Creepypasta OCs Advice + Reviews

Rach E. Dixon

This is my fourth review I believe, thank you for submitting! This creative OC was made by Foxears11 so check out their other works as well.

Name: Rach E. Dixon
Rach...E...Dixon...really original! (no sarcasm, it really is)
Cp Name: The Frog Prince
Not very intimidating, I'm not too sure about this. Maybe try wording it differently.
Catchphrase: "Mess with the prince and you'll get the frog"
OK, again, not very intimidating. This is Creepypasta and I'm getting Disney vibes, was this intentional? Try not to include the frog bit as it sounds very odd, but it still does have a nice ring to it.
Experiment with different catchphrases and how you word them, if you want to change this section at all.
Proxy?: No
Yas.
Age: 26
The prime age in life. Good age!
Gender: Male
You don't see a male that often anymore, breath of fresh air.
Sexuality: Heteroflexible (About a 1 on the Kinsey scale)
The Kinsey Scale...? I had to look that up, whoops. Though I understand now, rePreSEnT!
Species: Human (For the most part)
Alright, sounds a little confusing when you put it that way but still very understandable.
Race: Mixed (African American and White)
Djndjsjsjsjsjs THANK YOU FOR NOT MAKING HIM TOTALLY WHITE. Though, what do you mean by white? Is the non-African American part of him European? Canadian? Greek? Irish? Explain the "white" as it is very vague but this is good, African American pride!
Personality: Carries himself very highly and wants nothing, but the best. He can be described as confident, quick-witted, and hot headed. Though he portrays himself as polite and caring, he's ruthless when he doesn't get his way. A very high emotions sort of guy.
This personality section is quite well written, it actually reminds me of someone I know and how they write by how is is worded. While this section was a tiny bit short, it is still acceptable and well written, especially how his main personality traits were negative. If you want to expand it though, detail his general behaviour and go more in depth with his traits, such as adding more believability to his ruthless actions and explain what you mean by that. Otherwise, this is genuinely great!
Physical Description: Standing at around 5'9 with a thin but fit build is Rach. His curly dark brown hair is slicked back, light brown skin, yet dark green eyes make him stand out. He dresses sharply and you would have a better chance seeing him naked than in sweatpants
Doesn't sound like a killer, and guess what? That's the point. I only have a slight doubt towards the odds of having dark skin, black hair, and green eyes, along with being thin AND fit but I can picture it. This again is well written and gives a good insight. If you want to adjust it, try adding a little bit more lengthiness and add his weight so we know actually how thin he is. Though, like the personality, this is really good.
Family members: Mother-Charlotte Dixon, Father-Jamar Dixon, No siblings, Grandparents are in Canada(All Family members are still alive.
THEY'RE ALIVEEEE~
Friends/Acquaintances: Co Workers at his modeling job and his fans from social media
He sounds like he is somewhat well known, hm. Sounds good though.
Enemies: Anyone who thinks they're better than him
A bit vague and maybe even a little too broad of a statement here, but there aren't any serious problems. Makes sense considering his personality, but detail on this a bit more.
Abilities/Powers: Due to some shady deal, he can turn into a giant frog monster when greatly angered by others.
I hope you explain this shady deal in the backstory, as it sounds supernatural. So it wasn't a choice, exactly, to become a killing monster? Very creative!
Skills: Shapeshifting, Persuasion, and Charm
Hm, I like these a lot.
Weapons: His own hands and mouth
Makes sense, a good way to use the "no actual weapons" thing.
Strengths: Able to think on his feet, Doesn't give up easily, Able to hide his intentions
When you say able to think on his feet, do you mean he's a quick thinker? That is a bit of a new one, and I like how he also has grit and wit. 👌
Weaknesses:Temper can get the best of him, Can't handle criticism, Has Anuptaphobia and Atelophobia(The fear of staying single and the fear of being imperfect)
It'd be nice to explain how and why he fears these things, which I hope to see in the backstory. The temper thing is usually seen as overused, but in this case it fits really well in here, considering it legitimately changes Rach. *thumbs up*
Backstory: Rach was born on March 23 1991, he was a pretty normal child expect at a young age he became aware of his good looks and would always brag about them. This lead to him not having any long time friends, but he didn't care.
When middle school was starting, he hit puberty and later got his braces which turn out to be head-gear. For the rest of the time he was there, kids would poke fun at his acne and headgear. It did not help that this was also around the time Rach found out he was allergic to soy which caused him to go to school with welts for the next 3 days.
(This first paragraph was a great start, not too slow and not too fast. Starting middle school sucks so it's nice to see a realistic transition into the teasing rather than just...boom. The braces part is relatable too, though it'd be nice to say how long it took to get braces and then how long after he got headgear. It's also clean how you said the kids poked fun at him, instead of using the word bully.)
Rach knows they were all just teasing him because they were all envious of his looks before he became ugly. He would yell at anyone who as so much gave him negative criticism because he thought they were judging him just because of his appearance. He would sometimes scratch at his face when he saw himself in the mirror because all he saw was a monster. He pleaded to his parents to get plastic surgery, but they assured him it was normal and he was not ugly. This continued until high school when in senior year, Rach had enough and went looking for a cure.
Among various alley shops, there lied a small old looking store with a sign at the window; claiming that they could "fix anything!" After talking with the old man inside, he was given a liquid that guaranteed to help his appearance fast and although Rach was suspicious, he was also desperate. After drinking the liquid Rach found the next morning his face and teeth had been cleared of any imperfection. With his renewed good looks, he became popular at school and started dating one of the prettiest girl until his 1st date. (Wouldn't anyone be shocked by the drastic overnight change?) There she screamed when he arrived at the restaurant and ran as Rach's face at some point turned back to it's original gross appearance startling the poor girl. (This mild run on sentence could use some commas or a period, but it was still very clear. And what do you mean poor girl? Poor Rach! What the hell girl?!?!?!) Rach ran back the shop, yelling at the old man at how the liquid was supposed to be permanent and not temporary, (Sorry Rach. He said nothing about it being temporary or permanent.) but the shopkeeper explained how it was the girl's fault not the liquid. "If she really was a good person she would see past appearances" he reasoned. "But by rejecting you she proved to be unworthy. If you want I can help you reach her a lesson about fairness..."
Rach quickly agreed and was given another liquid that would work if he focused on his anger before meeting her.
The girl arrived at a park after getting a phone call from Rach who wanted to meet up with her to apologize for scaring her. As she waited on a bench, she heard a noise behind her. Before she could scream something slimy wrapped around her mouth and yanked her back into the bushes.
The last thing she saw before everything went dark was the inside of an animal like mouth with crooked yellow teeth. After a few days the police launched an investigation and manage to trace her last location in the park. There behind a bench was some blood and a substance that had almost dried up; checking it they found that it was much like the slime that covers a frog.
The police questioned Rach, but he didn't not know a thing about what was going on and the police couldn't find any evidence to connect anything back to him. (If the police had absolutely no proof that he did ANYTHING relating to the murder, then why were they questioning him? Saying he was a witness isn't logical considering he was...a monster during this time. It doesn't make a lot of sense here, but it still is readable and doesn't cause too much of a bump. Maybe try explaining what possible reason there could be for this or just cut it out, as it doesn't make too much of an impact.) "Such a shame", he thought as the police left his house. "She just had to reject the prince so she got the frog instead." He looked towards the mirror to see his own handsome appearance staring back. "Oh well, I still have myself." He licked his lips with a strangely long tongue at the memory of the incident before returning to his room. (I will touch on Rach's last words in this backstory down below, but overall this was really well written. You seemed to be a bit rushed toward the end and missed some proper grammar and punctuation placements here and there, but it did not interfere with my ability to read it. This backstory went together pretty well and the ending, while seeming a bit abrupt, was balanced and written with immense detail, thankfully. Your writing style is very familiar to me, kind of like my own. The writing and wordings you used were nice to read. I honestly don't have much to critique on other than the reasoning behind the police questioning him and some bumpy grammar.)
Extra:
*The name Rach originates from Africa and means Frog while Rach's middle name, Elliot, means king(He writes his middle name as an initial to make it sound more impressive)
*He has a mental disorder(Narcissistic Disorder) that has gone undiagnosed (I want to mention a few things here. First of all, you did good on the development into the disorder. The constant teasing may have really sparked this disorder, and you portrayed it well throughout most the backstory. The fear of judgement and imperfection was very much looked at and accurate! Though, there is a rough spot. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental illness characterized by an exaggerated self importance and seemingly selfish behaviour, usually in order to cover crippling envy and insecurity. You were doing well writing about this until the end. Rach said, "At least I still have myself"
People with NPD do not genuinely think highly of themselves. That's a misconception. They portray a very self centred personality to make up for their fiery envy and self hatred, which can easily lead to depression and/or anxiety. NPD sufferers also have very little empathy, and the disorder can cause many difficulties at work and in any relationships. I highly doubt he'd be able to maintain a well paying modelling job and fame, as you imply, with such a difficult to treat and also completely unmanaged disorder, in this case. I suggest maybe changing this a bit, as Narcissistic Personality Disorder isn't just a fancy name for a big ego, but you definitely did a good job developing it at first.)
*He is from Washington, but moved to Los Angeles, California for his job (What exactly is his job? You say something about a modelling career above, is he a model? Either way, not bad.)
*Rach's killing style: Rach will start to talk to a pretty lady and will soon asked them on a date, if they say no thank you he leaves, but if yes then this is where the trials start. He will meet them again at a restaurant, but he will appear ugly ad after the date is over he will ask if he can come to their house for tonight. If they say no he will kill them later. If yes then he sleeps at their house and seems to grow uglier, in the morning he will ask for a kiss and looks completely hideous. If refused he will kill them later, if they agree he will show up later handsome again and they will have a beautiful relationship. However all those who say no, he later on sneaks into their house at night in his frog form and swallows them. They die due to the acid in his stomach and he leaves all the slime dripping from his skin on their beds as a sign to show he was there.(The order of giving food, a bed, and a kiss is supposed to be a parallel to the original fairytale "The Frog Prince") (This was an interesting point. Does Rach do this in a specific order, intentionally referencing this fairytale? Or is it just your inspiration for him? This is very unique and I like how you used transformation in a truly horrifying way.)

Overall: This was definitely a good character! Many creative aspects were added well, and it is genuinely scary and somewhat supernatural rather than just try-hard.

Some Things That Could Be Improved On - I would recommend you consider tweaking the name and/or catchphrase, along with mentioning the "white" part of his heritage, and lengthening his personality if you want more depth. Also, I advise fixing up how you portray NPD in Rach. You can cut this disorder out if you'd like, but of course you can fix it! Again, Narcissistic Personality Disorder isn't a fancy word for a big ego. I very much doubt he could keep up with his fame and job with a completely undiagnosed and unmanaged disorder like this. It majorly affects relationships as well, especially when it gets to a point that you'll kill because of rejection. Please fix up how your portray this at least a bit, as some things contradict each other here.

Another thing is...how can someone famous get away with murder and constantly asking people out? I'm not sure if you thought this through, but the media could follow him easily. Someone would get very suspicious by his appearance changes, constant dates/hook ups, and then the sudden disappearance of those who denied his offerings. It's questionable how he'd even pull this off, not too realistic. Now, this is a great killing method but try considering that some more.

Best Point - I can't stress this enough, you have such a great mind and this character had very creative points to him. This OC sounds like a genuine Creepypasta character, and you should write about him if you'd like.

Of course, anything can be improved, but this is amazing so far. Work on it a bit but otherwise, there are thousands of sparks here!

I hope you enjoyed this review, and I will see you in the next chapter about catchphrases. I've had a bad cold/flu lately and I've been swamped with homework this week so sorry for any possible slow uploads. ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND THOUGH, FRIDAYS ARE GREAT!