THE LAUGHING CROW: A CRYPTIC Anthology

The Great Demonic Cooking Show

Lilith: "Greetings one and all! Welcome to another episode of the Great Demonic Cooking Show! I'm your host Lilith, along with my co host, Luci. We started with twelve of the nation's greatest chefs, cooking their finest delicacies for our celebrity judges Beelzebub and Belphegor. Twelve fantastic chefs put onto the chopping block until one emerged victorious!"

Lucifer: "And with all his fingers intact, sadly."

Lilith: "I know, we had so many wagers. I lost 20 quid to that putz Satan. Anyway, that was six seasons ago.

Lucifer: "This season we combed through the ravaged countryside and greater demonic utopia to find ten fantastic amatuer cooks!"

Lilith: "Ten? I thought we had twelve?"

Lucifer: "There was an incident with a hellhound and some raw bacon. Ten! Ten amatuer cooks, and after three episodes under the cleaver, we have whittled down our contestants to four remaining semi finalists."

Lilith: "After last week's astounding upset, poor Tommy Grinder was placed on the chopping block after his dish failed to wow the judges."

Lucifer: "Really should have gone through the trouble of sifting those toenails out of the stew. Nothing so gauche as biting into a tender piece of meat and meeting gnarly cartilage."

Lilith: "To be fair, those toes were thoroughly scrubbed."

Lucifer: "Shame really. This week, our remaining four contestants must pick their choice cuts and impress the judges with a dish prepared to this week's theme, braising!"

Lilith: Just look at them creep into the tent, Luci, I think their spirits are thoroughly broken.

Lucifer: "Well let's hope their cooking skills are still intact. Today's task finds our finalists Steve, Annie, Marcus, and Bean--really Bean? Who the hell names their kid Bean?"

Lilith: "It was a dark age before our great demonic overlords began their reign."

Lucifer: "And Bean, Beanie Boy, Bean over there must cook for their lives. In just a few minutes, today's special ingredient shall be revealed and the contestants will pick their cuts for dish creation."

Lilith: And here are our judges now. Good morning Beebs, nice horn shine. Morning Belphegor, still a giant arse I see."

Belphegor: "You're under contract."

Lilith: "Belphegor, baby, have you lost weight? Ready to gorge on our contestants' offerings?"

Beelzebub: "Oh definitely. Braising is one of my favorite preparation techniques. I expect meat prepared to a melt in your mouth texture, that falls easily off the bone."

Belphegor: "The secret to a good braised dish is the sauce. I expect to be dazzled."

Lucifer: "Oh looks like Marcus fainted. Can someone prop the poor man up. Smelling salts? Anyone? There we go, cattle prod works just as well. Seems like a lot of pressure to live up to Belphie, hope our contestants live through-- I mean, up to the challenge."

Lilith: "And now our judges shall reveal this week's ingredient.--oh, Tommy Grinder. These Grinder cuts were expertly butchered by Hobgoblin Organic Meats. Look at the fine marbling on those cuts. I'm told Grinder hailed from one of the wealthier districts, under the Demonic Overlord of Avarice."

Lucifer: "Excellent base for our remaining contestants to build on. Annie, my love, if you are going to toss your cookies, please do so in the designated bin. Since you were star chef last week, you have first choice of cuts this week."