early in the morning • zayn malik

→ too far away ←

Zayn’s throat closed and he had to bite down on his lip to keep from crying out. He gripped the table, hating himself, hating how everything turned out. He hated that Louis wasn’t here, that Louis had to call his first daughter after his-

“Are you happy?” Zayn asked quietly.

“I haven’t been happy for a long time, Zayn.” Louis said, suddenly sounding extremely tired. “But having Felicite, being here with El... everything is starting to feel a little better. There will always be a part of me that won’t forget what happened. It haunts me in my dreams sometimes.”

“I’m glad you’re a little happy, Lou. I only want you to be happy.” Zayn said, voice trembling. “She still haunts me.”

She still haunts me, me, me.

It was silent for a while. Zayn wished that he would talk, that he would just say something. He hoped that Louis wouldn’t hang up, but then again he had all the rights to. He wanted to apologise, or at least just talk to him like they used to, talk like best friends. He was just too far away, both mentally and physically.

“I don’t blame you.” Louis said, so softly that Zayn barely caught it. “Please don’t think that I blamed any of this on you.”

“You had every right to.” Zayn rasped.

“No, I didn’t.” Louis said, sounding like he was begging. “I was so wrong to blame you, to run away like I did. I didn’t realise that I wasn’t the only one hurting. Zayn, forgive me, please, forgive me.”

Shocked, Zayn said nothing. He never thought that the conversation would turn out as it did, and he had barely gotten over the fact that Louis had actually called him, especially when he had thought that Louis hated him.

“I can’t forgive you, Lou. There’s nothing to forgive you for.” Zayn said, a tear sliding down his cheek.  “You did what anybody else would do. We all did it, we all ran away.”

Zayn could hear Louis crying, and he too felt like breaking down. “Zayn, I’m sorry. I miss you, I miss the boys.”

“I know, we know, we miss you too.” Zayn whispered, once again pulling on his hair to distract himself from the pain.

“How’s Harry? Is he ok?” Louis asked fervently.

Zayn paused, considering telling him a lie to not make him hurt, but he knew that Louis wouldn’t appreciate it. Zayn gulped, closing his eyes. “He’s bad.” He whispered. “He drinks, he sometimes stays with me, and that’s when he’s ok. But so many times...” Zayn stopped and heaved in a deep breath. “So many times has he told me he’d rather be dead.”

Louis cried out, and Zayn knew that he felt the same physical pain that Zayn himself felt. “Is, is he there?” Louis stuttered.

“Not yet, but he’s coming tonight.” Zayn said, trying to stay calm.

“I want to talk to him.” Louis said, his voice strong for a moment. “I’ll call back in three hours.”

“Ok.” Zayn whispered, wiping the tears away from his cheeks.

“I need to go, El just came home.” Louis mumbled. “We should do this... we should talk again.”

“I’d really like that, Lou.” Zayn said sincerely, his heart aching.

“Goodbye.” Louis said, and the line went dead.

“Bye, Lou.” Zayn whispered back into the dead line, before putting the phone down and letting his head fall to the table, tears of pain and hurt falling onto the dark wood, absorbing them without question.

It was something that Zayn could never get over. The indescribable pain that would always be buried in his heart.

Buried in his heart, heart, heart.

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all the pain omg asdfghjkl only two more chapters left  guys, this should be finished soon

chapter dedication goes to @pxstelmalik because her comment was pretty awesome

ED RELEASING ALL THESE SONGS IS DEFINITELY NOT GOOD FOR ME OMFG

Sara xx