Bella is from the Ghetto and thinks she's black.
Edward wears pink neck-ties and kids himself that he's straight.
Emmett is really an Albino Werewolf and goes of to elope with Jacob.
Alice is really a Tranny.
Rosalie isn't a natural blonde and gets lipo-suction.
Jasper is really a ghost.
Charlie secretly knows how to cook but fakes it because if Bella's cooking, she finally shuts up.
Esme is bi-polar.
Carlisle is still trying to figure out how to pronounce his name.
"Gurl, I tell you, if this Eduardo guy ain't even Mexican, I'm not even trying." Bella said, snapping her fingers. Her best friend, Jessica whispers next to her.
"Gurl, that guy aint be like'n none of us gurls. He aint like'n us Ghettos OR da Cholos. Cuz Lauren's a Cholo an' he rejected her.' Jessica nods as she purses her lips.
Suddenly the familiar music 'barbie girl' plays and Edward walks into the cafeteria.
He be all sparkly, an he be wearin' a pink tie, an' his haiir be all purty an shit.
"Sumthin's off about dat white boy." Bella says, eyeing the pink tie. "Gurl, if we knew da secrets of White Boys, we'd be givin' birth to dem little snow-assed babies everyday." Jessica says, while adjusting her dreads.
Eduardo looks ova at Bella and tries to figure out y he can't read her mind. Little does he know, Bella's mind is clogged up like a toilet in da men's bathroom, filled with dem Playboy Magazines.
"Gurl, he be starin' at yer." Jessica whispers. "Nu-uh," Bella says while adjusting her weave.
"Gurl go get sum." Jessica pushes Bella in the direction of Edward.
"Wuddup white thang?" Bella says while sitting down next to Eduardo. "Booy, Ur ass is as flat as an empty Cheeto's bag. Iz so sexii." Bella whispers while flipping her weave over.
"Cheerio there young African-American spirit. The weather reminds me of Jolly old England here in this town, Spork." Eduardos accent makes him sound like a --
"Bitch say what?" Bella says as she raises an over-plucked eyebrow.
"Excuse me? What a foul tongue you have!" Eduardo says while fixing his powder puff pink tie.
"Booy, that ain't the only foul thang I gotz," Bella purrs into Edward's ear.
"Bella," Mike calls frum the table she was sitting at with Jessica. Lauren and the Asian chick have already arrived.
"Booy, wait for me in the parking lot next to that sexii ass Volvo u gotz. Imma pimp yo ride." bella winks as she goes back to her cliques table.
Bella saunters over to her table, and sits next to her BF, Mike.
"Bitch, wat did I tell u about talkin' to dem Clorox White Ass people?" Mika (mike) asks,
"I kno, but after seein' dat Justin Bieber guy I gots to get da White. Plus, Canada is close to England, rite?"
"Look, Nigahh, this aint gonna work. You'z to black." Bella says as Mika shrivels up and dies.
The bell rings to go home so Bella gets up and walks over to Eduardo's Volvo.
She scratches her name on the paint as an Imprint on Eduardo forever.
Eduardo appears and throws her in the trunk of his Volvo.