Sanity // s.m. [IN EDITING]

[Epilogue]

I look at her, watching her friendly brown eyes stay on me as she raises her glass of wine to her lips.

"Wait, so you're not going to quote me directly?" I cock my head to the side slightly.

"Oh no," she swallows, "I don't mean that I'm going to publish false information. I'm going to write down everything you say that sticks out to me, and send your manager the article before it's published so you and your team can review and make sure you're okay with it, if you'd like that."

I'm taken back. Oh, how times have changed.

"Actually I would really appreciate that," I blink. "Um, thank you."

"Of course," she nods. "So, how are you and your wife enjoying France?"

"Oh, we love it. She waited so long to come here, and once we did, she fell in love with it and couldn't bear to leave."

"Me too," Kary laughs. "It's so beautiful here. And once I got this job I instantly made friends. Is Elliot working?"

"Yeah, she's publishing art reviews right now at a small company, but she's taking classes to get a business degree so she can open her own art studio here pretty soon."

"Oh wow I didn't know that," Kary seems genuine in her interest, making me feel like I should keep talking to her. "That's really cool. How's your french? It must be hard to communicate around here."

"Neither of us are even near fluent yet," I chuckle. "We have to use google translate a lot. Although we were surprised by the amount of people around here that speak English."

"Yeah," Kary shrugs, "there's lots of American tourists here so a lot of Natives have learned English. When did you guys get married? You kind of disappeared from the media for the past year."

I chuckle, trying not to dance around that touchy subject. "Um, yeah. Sorry about that. It was just so nice to finally unplug and be alone with her for the first time since.. well, since high school really."

I pause, thinking over how much I wanted to spill. I knew I could trust her, though. "We got married back home in Toronto. Both of our families came, it was a garden wedding at this really pretty park downtown."

I showed her a few pictures from my phone, knowing she couldn't publish them. I didn't want any of our wedding photos being out there. That day was just for us.

"Aw, she looks beautiful in that dress," Kary smiles, zooming in on Elliot in one of the photos. "Can I just say, I really really admire how you guys went about all of this."

I furrow my eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

She looks at me for a second, taking another sip of her wine before clearing her throats and speaking slowly, "anyone who looked from a distance would think that your life was great, and based on performances, that you loved what you did. But when I saw you in interviews, on talk shows, out in public, I knew you were struggling. We all did. The press and media can do that to a person, and we tend to dehumanize.. and I guess now I'm speaking for everyone when I say that I'm glad you're okay."

I keep looking at her, a smile playing on my lips. Elle was right, people cared about me more than I thought. I just was past the point of reaching out for help.

"That means a lot, thank you," I tell her, speaking through my grin. "I couldn't have done it without her, and everything that happened with Sarah was just a wake-up call. I felt awful, I just had to get away."

"Have you spoken to Sarah since she had baby Tahlia?" she asks as she's jotting down a few notes in her journal.

I squint as I comb through my memory. "Uhh, a few times on the phone. Just chatting. I haven't seen her, though. I don't think I'm ready for that."

"That's understandable," she looks up. "So, tell me about her."

"About Sarah?"

"No," she laughs, biting her lip as she makes a new note. "Tell me about Elliot Johnson. How does it feel to finally have a set in stone relationship with her?"

I open my mouth to speak, but replace it with a accidental scoff instead, before rubbing my eyes with my knuckles. I couldn't help the smile that shaped my words when I told her, "it's everything I could ever ask for."

"Tell me more," Kary brings her wine to her lips again. "I promise, I promise I'm not going to publish it all."

I try to comb through my thoughts, untangle the ones that couldn't be expressed how I wanted them to. I take a deep breath. "I don't know, I felt so lost before. And the truth is I've kind of felt lost since I was a kid and my heart was broken for the first time-- by my dad. Talking things out was never easy for me but I knew I was an expressive person, so when I started playing guitar and writing my own songs, I thought I was helping people with my music. Maybe at first I was. But as my heart was broken more, my music was just angry. I wasn't helping anyone, I was crying out for help, actually."

"How does Elliot play into all of that?" she questions.

"She.." I pause, taking a second to picture my love's face that was permanently edged into my brain, her glossy pink lips, eyes like two glistening emeralds. Her smile made me feel the way cotton candy tastes. Her kiss made every inch of my skin tingle with warmth. It's a feeling that was worth everything I left behind to have it. "She never lied to me. Not even once."

"Forever, okay?" I can still hear the sound of my voice when I said it all those years ago, so certain she would say it back that I never even thought to worry.

"Forever," she responded with an aching smile. She hadn't lied. Maybe forever comes with a few gaps, the tapestry takes a few shots through the middle but waves on nevertheless. She promised me forever, and she's keeping her promise.

"I needed something true more than I realized," I explained to Kary, seeing her bite down the edge of her pen in between her teeth. "Everything I knew had become commercialized and processed. Not her. She's raw, she's fearless and bold and bursting with life. She has every opportunity one could ask for at her fingertips yet she tiptoes over all of them and picks the flowers that everyone else grazes by. And that includes me, too. She picked me.

"And now here we are, in Europe. Exploring new places together, exercising our passions and falling more and more in love with each other every day. I'm happier than I've been in years and everyone can see that. I'm taking the time to notice the things that I spent years stomping over. How everyone's smile is unique, how there's music in every aspect of nature, how just.. holding the door open for someone can make you feel good inside. Maybe it's stupid, but I'm finally at a place where I can see these things and understand them.

"The world is beautiful. People are beautiful. Life goes on and changes and there's more than what's right in front of you, because you get through everything. Everything. All it takes is recognizing the problem and doing something other than burying your head in the sand hoping they'll disappear. Elliot showed me that. If I didn't have her around I don't know where I'd even be right now."

I take a deep breath, before shutting my eyes and continuing.

"Everything is so messy. But there's tricks, there's loopholes. And let me share one with you: there's parts of life that aren't messy. Notice them. Notice them and appreciate them."

***

the end.

❤