Broken Doll {ManxMan}

CHAPTER 15

It was taking me a lot longer than I'd expected to get used to the rebellion. I mean sure, I knew it would take some time, after everything I'd been through, but I didn't think that when I got here I'd be battling anxiety and panic that was this severe. It was infuriating how scared I got sometimes, the way I would be hyperventilating because I couldn't breathe despite the fact I was gulping in the air around me. I hated it.

Tobias was constantly worried about me, and he hated leaving my side. When he had to, he hated to leave me alone, but at the same time he didn't want anyone else with me, because he was the only one who could calm me down when I freaked out, so normally when he had work to do or had to discuss something with Kailas and the others in the rebellion, he just brought me with him and kept me securely under his arm pressed against his side.

The physical contact kept me calm, being near Tobias kept me calm, in fact unless someone leaned too close or God forbid touched me, then I was perfectly fine being out of the room. Most of the rebellion I couldn't be around it seemed, but Sasha, Klaus, and Bryn were fine. They were familiar to me, they were a safe place, and although I couldn't deal with Sasha on my own, Bryn and Klaus made me feel comfortable and safe.

Which was saying something since Bryn tried to kill me when we first met. Maybe I used that against him too much, but his reactions were amusing. I still hadn't told Tobias about that, now that I thought about it. I still intended to never tell him, but it made me wonder how he would react to learning. Well, it didn't particularly matter.

Whenever Bryn entered the room, his eyes went to me before focusing on Tobias, as if he was waiting for me to react. It was almost like he was confused that I felt safe near him. I was somewhat confused about that myself, but I had no control over what made me feel safe or afraid. Bryn just happened to be one of the few I didn't flinch away from, that wasn't my choice. I think Tobias was happy about it, though.

I think Klaus must have been pleased as well, because he was another person I was comfortable around. If Tobias and Bryn were both somewhere else, normally I would step towards Klaus. I trusted him as much as I trusted Tobias. Sasha, even if his energy sometimes tired me out, still had the remarkable ability to make me feel safe. The problem with him was that he was a little too protective, and incredibly bias towards the rebellion. If you weren't from the Syndicate, then you weren't allowed to be near me, which was a problem when we were literally at the rebellion.

I spent a few extra days with just Tobias, locked in our room, talking, just lying together and cuddling, but when I felt calm enough to leave the room finally, I told myself that it had to be a sure thing. I couldn't keep hiding, even if I was uncomfortable. I couldn't talk about Bay yet, I wasn't ready for that, but I was ready to start trying to socialize. Not with everyone, but I wanted to talk to Demi and Dakota at least.

I was awake before Tobias that day, eyes opening to reveal I was lying against his chest, wrapped in his arms as usual, clinging to the front of his shirt. One of his hands was buried in my hair, his other arm curled around my waist, and I sighed out in content before pressing my face against his chest, my lips curving upwards in a rare smile.

Even though it was winter, Tobias was warm, and his warmth stayed with me even when I eased out of his arms so I could sit up. I stared down at him, just to watch him as he slept, before folding the covers back and standing up from the bed, wincing and reaching up for my shoulder where a scar was aching. I quickly pushed the slight pain to the back of my mind so I could concentrate on getting myself dressed.

It wasn't good for me to dwell on any one thing for too long, especially if it had to do with physical aches or scars. Till now I'd done well in not even looking at myself, not in the mirror or even when I was getting dressed, I refused to look. There were a few scars on my hands and palms, those I couldn't really control, but I wore long sleeves to keep my eyes from wandering up to my wrists