Confessions of a Mormon Bride (2014 Watty Award Winner)

Love.Child.

Week 18

By twenty weeks, the midwife says, we really like to see more weight gain than this.

I've gained two pounds total so far, an amazing feat given that up until two weeks ago I puked daily and couldn't eat much because I felt so sick all the time.

She asks me what I've eaten today. It was a hectic morning so all I had time for was a granola bar. She gives me a disappointed frown when I tell her. She lectures me on the importance of good nutrition during pregnancy. I leave her office crying and go down the hall for my ultra sound.

I'm not excited to see my baby. I've been worried all week about this appointment. I'm terrified something is wrong with him. That he won't have a head or a heart or he'll be severely deformed. My brother-in-law who lives with us works spraying homes for bugs. I read on-line that pesticide exposure during pregnancy can cause nervous system damage in developing fetus. Brandon has already assured me the baby is fine but he can't know, not for sure, so I don't believe him.

The ultrasound room is dimly lit and I lie back on a plastic covered recliner. A large screen will display my baby. The technician can tell I'm unhappy and I tell her I just got in trouble for being too skinny and I'm afraid there's something wrong with my baby. She, too, assures me, the baby is fine. Let's take a look and find out, she says.

She presses the sensor against my exposed tummy, the gel slick and cool against my skin. My baby appears on the screen and he looks fine. His head is big and his body is tiny. I can even see his fingers and toes forming. He already has a cute nose. It's a lot like magic.

She examines each small piece of my son: his tiny kidneys, the length of his leg bones, the place where his lungs will be, his face and brain. Everything is as it should be. He wiggles and kicks but I can't feel him.

He's small, she says. I can't see all four chambers of his heart. You'll have to come back in 4 weeks for another scan.

When the technician reveals the sex, Brandon and I aren't surprised. I've known the baby would be a boy all along.

Week 21

I haven't felt the baby move all morning. His kicking and jabs have been absent. Usually while I sit at my desk, I can feel him tickle inside me. His stillness frightens me.

I call my mom on my lunch break. I'm sobbing. Something is wrong, I tell her.

She reassures me. Everything is probably fine. And if it's not, there is nothing you can do about it.

I call the midwife's office. She tells me most people can't feel their baby this early in the pregnancy anyway. There really is nothing to worry about. I can't stop crying so she tells me to come in and we'll listen to the heartbeat.

I leave work and call my boss on the way, telling him I'm taking a long lunch.

As I sit in the exam room, waiting for the midwife to appear with her magic Doppler that will confirm my baby is well, I pray and pray that everything is okay; that I will feel him move.

Then, it's just a little flutter, like butterfly wings against my skin. But it's enough.

Week 22

We go back for the second ultrasound. The technician looks at the baby's tiny heart and counts out four beating chambers. She measures his leg bones again and he's still measuring small for a 24 week-old fetus. They move my due date out 10 more days to March 8th.