I've lost count of the times I've given up on you
But you make such a beautiful wreck, you do.
--Shawn Mullins, "Beautiful Wreck"
Love is blind, deaf and dumb.
I always thought I was a level headed girl, but I ignored my instincts on this one. I had gotten addicted to him—physically, emotionally and mentally. I couldn't imagine Sam not being a part of my life.
We went on our date. It lasted ten and a half hours. Most dates last about 4 hours, tops, and by the end you hope you don't have to talk to that person for a few days just to recover. Sam and I had spent five solid weeks together so ten hours hardly seemed like enough.
I was so afraid to lose him. I told him everything – how I didn't want him going off to college and forgetting me; how I didn't want the summer to have been fake; how I had planned to dump him the last day of camp until he made it seem like something could work in the Fall; how I was afraid I would inconvenience him because I'm Mormon and don't watch rated 'R' movies or go to “real” parties; how I didn't want him dragging a girl from his old life into his new life and resenting it.
For every one of my concerns, he had a comforting answer. He assured me he was not going to forget me. He said that he had thought about not talking to me after camp, but decided that was something he didn't want to do; he said it was okay that I didn't watch rated 'R' movies and that “real” parties aren't that great; he told me his new life had begun when the summer started and that since he had met me he was trying new things. Remember what he told me.
He had to have been sincere. There was no reason for him to lie to me. I was just trying to give him an out if he wanted one. He must not have foreseen what was going to happen or else he wouldn't have given me my first kiss that night or asked me to his girlfriend. Or maybe he did know what would happen a week and two days later and decided he wanted to lead me on and hurt me. Even now, I don't believe him to be that cruel.
It's like effing third grade. We were officially together for two weeks. It sounds so stupid and lame that I'm brooding over a two-week long relationship. But to me, our relationship started back at Lawton and Lawton time is different than real time. Friendships, lasting and deep, are formed in days, everything is sped up with long, slow moments that consume you. A summer at Lawton is equivalent to a lifetime to a person who has never lived before.
Sam and I had a slow build-up and a rapid fall. Gravity hurts.
You realize they're not your friends
The panic of the future rears,
You dig, you jerk,
You find another way.
-Our Lady Peace, “Right Behind You”
Does a dog return to his vomit? According to the Bible and nature, he does.
Sam moved into his dorm. I got to see it and meet his friends. School started and I knew we were both going to become very busy. I met him for lunch that Wednesday. I was a complete wreck. I was still trying to adjust to life after camp and failing. I also sensed that in 6 days, my relationship with Sam would fail too. I asked him to pray for me, a stupid thing to ask an agnostic, and he said he would. I always prayed for him – I still do.
I talked to him on the phone the next day, Thursday. I asked him what he was going to do for the weekend. I'm not sure if it was unreasonable for his plans to somehow include me. He said he was going to Phoenix to visit some “friends.” I couldn't believe it.
YOU ARE READING
Confessions of a Mormon Bride (2014 Watty Award Winner)Non-Fiction
True love never ends. At least mine won't... Part memoir, part essay collection, Confessions of a Mormon Bride: Essays on Love and Mormonism, explores the intersections of love and faith as the author makes her way to the wedding alter, assumes the...