Family Home Evening is Monday night and you must be practicing for when you have a family of your own; Mutual is Tuesday night and you need to smile at the boys; do not wear a two-piece swim suit; learn to cook so you will be a more desirable wife; learn to sew so you will be a more desirable wife; put apples and carrots into your orange Jello before it's refrigerated; are you reciting the Young Women's theme every Sunday?; always take the Sacrament with your right hand; on Sunday, wear your prettiest skirt and do your hair, look like you want a husband; you must never speak to non-member boys, not even to answer a question; do not go to parties where there will be drinking—the Spirit will not follow you; but I don't like skirts and what's wrong with non-member boys?; this is how you cut a skirt; this is how you sew a skirt from the fabric you just cut; this is how you hem the skirt below your knees so you can find yourself a nice husband; this is how you do what your father tells you; this is practice so you will do what your husband tells you; the Prophet says to grow a garden—you must live providently in case your husband loses his job; this is how you do the dishes; this is how you raise six kids; this is how you keep from crying; this is how you smile when you are happy; this is how you smile when you want people to think you are happy; this is how you smile when you are thirty and still single; do not drink coffee or tea; do not watch rated 'R' movies; do not kiss before you are married; do not take the Lord's name in vain; this is how you act around a boy you want to marry; this is how you know he is a return missionary; be sure to wear make-up when he is around; do not let anyone know you want to be a Boy Scout, you are not a boy; do not act like you are not Mormon because you never know who is watching; this is how you become Relief Society president; this is how you practice the piano; this is how you make your home a Heaven on Earth; this is how you find a worthy Priesthood-holder to marry; this is how you say “no”; be grateful; be smart; be clean; be true; be humble; be prayerful; this is how you live on a one-income salary; find a man to take you to the temple; but what if I can't find a man to take me to the temple?; you mean to say after all this you are really going to be the kind of woman who won't find a husband?
* This piece is done in the style of Jamaica Kincaid's Girl. You can read the original version by clicking on "external link."
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