Minerva looks back over a not-so-happy relationship with Albus and comes to some decisions about what she will and won't tolerate.
A series of vignettes inspired by a line from James Goldman's "The Lion in Winter": "How, from where we started, did w...
"I don't think there'll be any more trouble, Minerva,"Lockhart was saying.
Good gods, had he just winked at her?
Minerva said nothing and turned back to the line of Gryffindors she was attempting to shepherd back into her classroom, which had just been cleared of the smoke and odour that had resulted from one of the youngest Mr Weasley's wand-related mishaps.
But Lockhart didn't give up. He moved next to her again, saying, "I think the Chamber has been locked for good this time. The culprit must have known it was only a matter of time before I caught him."
Still no reaction from Minerva. Maybe if she didn't respond, he'd take the hint and bugger off.
But no. The insufferable git stepped directly in front of her as she attempted to follow the last student back into the classroom, saying, "Rather sensible to stop now, before I came down hard on him."
Now he had gone too far. The extra inflection on the word "hard" was impossible to miss, especially when coupled with the second wink he had given her in the space of five minutes.
According to Poppy, Lockhart had already tried and failed to seduce Rolanda, declaring loudly, "Well, that explains it," upon being discreetly informed that the flying instructor preferred women, as if that were the only possible explanation for her resisting his charms. Apparently, the git had focused on a new target, as he was now asking pointed questions about the Transfiguration mistress, Poppy had told her grimly.
Minerva now fixed him with her most withering stare, and he stepped hurriedly out of her path. But he wasn't quite done.
"You know, what the school needs now is a morale-booster. Wash away the memories of last term! I won't say any more just now, but I think I know just the thing ..."
His plans became nauseatingly apparent later that day in the staff room.
"Decorations, singing valentines ... it will be brilliant!" exclaimed the unbearable popinjay.
Nobody replied, and he turned his attentions to the Deputy Headmistress. "Come now, Minerva. Surely you have many admirers who would be thrilled at the opportunity to express their devotion."
"Hardly," she sniffed, hoping he would take her not looking up from her book as a sign that she was less than interested in this conversation.
"Really, Minerva? Well, I must say, that surprises me," he said, moving over to sit on the arm of the settee on which she was seated.
Several pairs of eyes looked up to watch the spectacle unfold.
"Or is there, perhaps, someone special you've had your eye on? Someone who could use a little ... nudge in the right direction?"
This time, Minerva looked up. "Now you mention it, there is someone I'd dearly love to nudge in a particular direction."
The smirk on Severus's face was just too much. She could not look at him.
"Well, well, well," said Lockhart, oblivious, as usual, to the subtext. "Perhaps I can help you with that. Compose a few verses for a secret valentine?" He emphasised his idiotic point by placing one of his meaty hands over one of her small ones. When she shook it off, the arse took another tack.
"But you must confide in me—who is he? Can I guess? Could it be ... our esteemed Headmaster?"
The utterly confused look that blossomed on his face when most of the staff room burst out laughing was almost worth the price of admission.
Minerva closed her book, got up and said, "If you'll excuse me, I think I feel the need to have another wash." She strode quickly across the floor, not daring to look at anyone's face for fear of doubling over with laughter, and went through the door.
She did not, however, think she could bear to miss Lockhart utterly putting his foot in it—not to mention whatever Severus would say—so she quickly transformed into her feline form and slipped back in the door, unnoticed, and behind the tea table.
"I'm happy to provide such amusement, friends, but can someone please tell me what the joke is?" Lockhart was saying.
"The joke, you arse," said Severus, "is that you have just suggested to our Deputy Headmistress that she send a secret valentine to her ex-husband."
"What ... you mean ... Minerva and the Headmaster ...?"
"Were married, yes," said Pomona Sprout.
"But they aren't any longer," Lockhart continued.
"That is usually what is meant by 'ex-husband'," said Severus.
"I had no idea," said Lockhart.
"Understatement of the century," Minerva heard Filius mutter.
"How very interesting," the dolt continued. "How long—"
He was interrupted by a bass voice from the doorway. "Thirty-two years this Valentine's Day. That is, it would be, if Minerva hadn't been so wise as to divorce me after nineteen of them."
Everyone turned to see Dumbledore standing in the door.
"Oh. Yes. Quite," stammered Lockhart, paling.
Stepping into the room, Dumbledore said, "I have reviewed your proposal for some St Valentine's Day festivities, Gilderoy, and find them acceptable. I'll leave it to you to arrange them, then, shall I?"
"Um ... yes ... I ... thank you, Headmaster. I'll ... I'll just go see to them," said Lockhart, fleeing the room as fast as his legs could carry him.
Dumbledore moved back to the door and looked out. Turning back he said, "Minerva, my dear, I believe it is now safe for you to transform."
The tabby cat padded out from behind the tea table and changed back into Minerva with a pop. "Albus, you cannot mean you're going to allow that ... that ... fop to carry out his plans for Valentine's Day?
"Certainly, my dear. Why ever shouldn't I?"
"It's ... it's ..."
"Obscene?" offered Severus.
"I was going to say 'unseemly'," Minerva said, shooting Severus an amused look.
"Oh, I think it's fairly harmless," replied Dumbledore. "It will amuse the students, and besides, it will keep our resident celebrity occupied for the next few days, at least."
Once the other staff had gone their separate ways and Minerva had finished importuning Albus about various small budget crises, he took her hand, asking, "Will you be offended if I send you one of Lockhart's singing valentines?"
"Only if you're the one doing the singing," she replied. "I hope you don't expect one from me."
"Minerva, if you were to send me a valentine, I think I would die of shock and delight."
"Don't tempt me, Albus. Don't tempt me."
He laughed, lifted her hand and kissed it, and they left the staff room together, then took their separate paths to their respective quarters.
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