Unsteady (COMPLETED)

TWENTY-ONE

Now - Carmella

"You aren't the man I married," I say as I watch him closely. He's tense - leaning over the counter as if it's his only support in the world. His eyes are tightly shut, hair falling in loose curls over his face. I even notice how he keeps clenching and unclenching his jaw every few seconds. 

So, I continue. "I know that man would hate the guy who is standing in front of me right now. I also know that he wouldn't give up like this. He would fight for his family. He would fight to be here and present.

"I remember one time when he told me that we would forever be each other's family. This," I say, gesturing to the air between us. "Isn't being each other's family. This isn't being a family, period. We haven't been a family for years. And look what it's doing to us! What it's doing to Tyler!

"Mike, we need to fix this. You need to get help and I want to get you that help. We will do it together. Hell, I will go to therapy with you every single day, if that's what you need. I will hold your hand at the AA meetings. I will-"

"No, Ella." He says with a deadly calm. "There will be no need for any of that. I'm not doing it." 

I look at him in shock, unable to say anything as I just stare at him. This isn't the man I know. That man is long gone and that realization is setting in more and more each passing day. I roughly rub my hand over my face, trying to wipe away the disbelief that has set in. 

Pinching my nose, I sigh loudly. "Why?" I say, my voice demanding and irritated. "Why won't you do it?"

"I don't want to."

"You don't want to?" I chuckle humorlessly. "You don't want to?! Christ, I don't want to pay the fucking water bill, but I still do it. Mike, this world is filled with things we don't want to do, but we still do them! It's just what we have to do!"

"Go away, Ella."

"I'm not going away until you get it through your thick skull that you are doing this if you want us to still be here in the morning, Mike. I will stand here all night if I have to. I will tattoo the Alcoholics Anonymous phone number to my fucking forehead if I have to." I say in bewilderment. "I will do anything I have to do, Mike. I won't give up on you. I love you."

"Well, maybe you shouldn't." He says, still not looking at me. 

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I shriek. "Why shouldn't I?"

"Because I'm not good for you." He says.

I laugh. "Yeah, well, maybe that is true - in some small, fucked up way. But I do love you. And I know that you are good for me - at least you used to be. I believe that we can get back to that place again-"

"Will you just shut the fuck up, Ella?!" He yells, finally turning towards me and opening his eyes. 

"No! No, I won't shut up, Mike!"

"Holy fuck, woman! Leave me the fuck alone!" He roars before storming past me towards the living room. "I don't want to hear this shit anymore."

I quickly follow him. "Well, you are going to hear it. I want this to end. I want you to come home sober and I want us to be a real family. I want Tyler to look up to you like I did all those years ago. I want-"

"Yeah, and I want a fucking drink, but I can't right now." He spits as he throws the cushions off of the couch in a desperate search for what I presume to be more alcohol. "I want you to leave me the fuck alone, but that's not going to happen. I want this to end, but clearly, that's too much to ask."

"This will end if you agree to get the help-"

"It's not gonna happen!" He interjects, his face twisted into a look of pure rage. "This is who I am and it's not going to change. So, if you don't like it, leave! Because it ain't gonna get better than this, sweetheart!"

I stare at him for a moment, silently deciding to change my tactic. 

"Mike," I say softly, trying not to trigger more arguments. "I want to be with you so bad. I love you."

He looks at me, his face softening as he looks me over. "I love you too. More than I can ever express." He says, his voice raw as he holds back the things he wants to say. "I want you."

"You have me - right here, right now. I'm right in front of you, Mike." I say as I take a step closer to me. "I'm right here."

His eyes flicker quickly and then look back down. "I know."

"I want to be here for you forever and always, babe. I want to be your shoulder to lean on. I want to be your ear to listen. I want to be the one you hold. I just want to be there for you." 

"I know." He whispers as he continues to look down in defeat. "I know, love."

"I just want you better," I whisper as I take the final step towards him. I reach my hand up to his cheek and place it there, making him look at me. "Please."