Unsteady (COMPLETED)

NINE

Now - Carmella

"I want to change. I want to make this relationship good again. I can't lose you, Ella. Please don't leave me." He states with more conviction than I've ever heard from him before, making me believe him despite the warning bells going off in my head. 

I allow my eyes to look over him, searching for any signs that he may be lying, but I don't find any. Instead, he shoots me that look he used to - the one that makes me feel like I am the only woman in this entire world. The look that fills my heart with so much love.

The look that I fell in love with years ago. 

"Please." He pleads, his voice wavering as his eyes turn glossy with unshed tears. "Please don't go."

I bite my lip, unsure of what to do. This is the man I fell in love with. This is the man I agreed to marry and spend the rest of my life with. This man, right here, completes me - filling me up with so much hope and excitement for our future. 

But that other man...

"Ella, I love you so much and I will do anything to make this all better. I will go to AA. I will get a new job. I will jump through any hoops that you and CAS put before me. I'll be the husband and father that you and Tyler deserve - just please don't give up. Please don't leave me." He says, wiping his tears away with his arm. "Please."

I roughly wipe my face in my hands, stretching the skin as I clench my eyes shut. I'm overwhelmed with so much emotion right now and my resolve is slowly disappearing. 

"Ella." He says, his voice hoarse. I feel his hand on my arm and he gently pulls me to him, onto his lap. I don't resist - even though I really should, I don't. His arms wrap around my waist, pulling me into him. I rest my head on his shoulders - my face still covered by my hands. 

A sob that I so desperately tried to keep in, escapes. His arms tighten around me, offering me their familiar comfort that I used to run to every day for years and years - breaking the dam completely. 

My tears soak the shoulder of his shirt - which smells like stale cigarette smoke and last night's whiskey. And it should remind me why I should leave with Tyler forever, but it doesn't. Instead, it is a comfort that I am so used to  - a comfort that is soothing and so needed right now. 

I slowly drop my hands from my face and rest it on his chest and plant my nose right into his neck, breathing in his essence and lulling me into a false sense of calm. His hands slowly run up and down my back, further relaxing me and driving the last tears away. I vaguely hear him whispering sweet words into my ear, but I am too wrecked to really hear them. 

"I don't know what to do," I mumble into his neck, the tears flooding my eyes again. "My brain is telling me not to fall for this again. It's screaming at me that it's all a lie and that you will never change. It's telling me to pack up all of my shit and leave for good.

"But my heart isn't ready. I love you, Mike. I love you so much that it hurts to even think of leaving you." I say and a few tears slip down my cheeks. "I don't want to leave you - especially when you are this man - the man you are right now. Why can't you always be like this?"

"I know, baby, I know." He mumbles in my hair. "I know how awful I am to you and Tyler."

"How do I know that you will change this time?" I ask. "I need to do what's right for our son, Mike. He needs his father, but he doesn't need a father like the one who showed up to his school yesterday."

"You don't know, that's the problem." He replies. "All you can do is trust me and I know I don't deserve that."

"No, you don't."

"I know I said I would change before and never did, but this time is different." He states as he brings his hand to my chin and gently forces me to look into his eyes. "I know I need to change or else I will lose you and Tyler forever."