celeste • poetry

heartbeat

whenever my heart beats i shake a tiny bit, an almost imperceptible shake and each heartbeat is in my shoulder blades and spine and the back of my neck at first, and then it moves to my collarbone and my throat and my stomach, and sometimes it pounds in my head behind my eyes where my cheekbones end. i can't feel my heartbeat when i'm sitting on a mattress and maybe when i'm sleeping my heartbeat disappears for a while, and visits someone else and someone else hears it like drums and music. if my heartbeat stopped right now i wouldn't be scared, i don't know why. it seems like a very calm thing for your heart to stop, the muscle is pounding every day millions of times, starting from before you are born, and it must feel nice for it to finally rest. i think mama would be scared of my heart stopped. i don't remember if mama was scared when she had cancer, maybe she wasn't, maybe she just trusted that the universe had a reason for it all and she trusted that it would be okay. maybe she was scared, and that's why she finds it scary when i talk about death and crying. she had depression after i was born. she described it as a disease that needed treatment. she's been sick so many times, i wonder why she doesn't give up. i might, if i was her. i'm not strong. i shake every time my heart beats.