Find Your Purpose, Before It's Too Late

Chapter 4

"It means that before the outbreak, I was responsible for the deaths of a lot of people because I was too wrapped up in my own misery to stop someone from doing something stupid."

"How's that your fault?" Daryl said and winced at the pain he saw distorting your face.

"He was my responsibility, and I failed him. I failed everyone." Your throat thick with regret.

"Who was?" he asked.

"My brother. He was sick, mentally. He had a lot of problems. Right before the outbreak he..." your words cut off by the onset of tears. Suddenly you felt tired of trying to hold everything in. Not having had the chance to grieve for all that was lost before the outbreak, now coupled with all that you've endured since, your emotional damn finally cracked and everything spilled out.

Daryl sat next to you unsure of what to say as you buried your head in your hands and let your body convulse with silent sobs. He had just agreed to try and get to know you for Carol's sake. The questions were an ice breaker, a way for Daryl to learn a little more about you. He never expected this type of reaction.

For the first time since Grady Memorial, he looked at you and realized how harsh he'd been. Daryl was beginning to feel the wall between he had up between the two of you show the first few signs of fatigue.

He slipped a few inches closer, and tentatively put his arm around your shoulders. His thumb began to lightly rub your arm and you were surprised at how welcome his touch felt, the weight of his arm and leather jacket made you feel safe, even if it was just for a second. You thought back to earlier that evening and how you reacted to his hand on your elbow and felt bad all over again.

You let yourself have a half a moment of consolation before pulling back from him. You offered Daryl a grateful smile through your tears, but you could read his discomfort like a giant sign.

"Thanks," you said, wiping at your face. "I'm sorry. I know that's not what you were expecting." You stood up trying to spare him anymore of your tears, "I'm gonna go in, it's getting cold."

"Y/N, wait," Daryl stood up on the step so you were eye to eye, "I know I ain't been easy on ya. After Atlanta... well, shit was just hard. So, I get it, and I'm sorry for that. If you need... anything, you can always come find me. I'm around."

You had a choice: you could stay and maybe start to open up to someone, or turn tail and run like you had always done. His gaze never left your face, and for a split second you had considered sitting back down and just letting everything go to this man you barely knew.

But, giving into your fear of it, you simply said 'thanks again' and went back inside. When you crawled into bed that night you had already made up your mind that you were done trying to feel sorry for what happened. Carol was right, you needed to find a purpose to wake up and live, if for no other reason to then to prevent another breakdown like you just had in front of Daryl.

The next morning you were up before Carol could come into your room. You were already in the kitchen starting the coffee and warming the water for the oatmeal. Carol stood there staring in disbelief and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Well, this is a welcome sight," she said a tad sarcastically, looking past you at the coffee pot and tea kettle already on the stove.

"Was getting a little tired of my new alarm clock," you returned in kind, flashing her a smile. "Besides, I figured if I didn't start to get off my ass, you were going to sic Daryl on me again."

"All I asked him to do was be nice," Carol said making her way to the cabinet to grab a coffee mug. "He just needs time to warm up to you."

"Anyway, you don't need to make him talk to me. I am really ok," you lied through your teeth.

"Well, if not Daryl, then someone..." Carol paused and turned to face you, "Y/N, you need to find something, or someone, to give you purpose. Without that, without having something to fight for, you will just fade away. I don't want that to happen to you too..." Carol trailed off deep in thought for a moment. Shaking it off she looked back to you.

"No worries Carol, I'm on board, ok? No more sleeping all day and being a louse. I promise." You held up your fingers in a mocking eagle scout gesture and smiled your best 'fake-it-till-you-make-it' smile.

Out by the gates Rick and Daryl were talking to Denise. From a slight distance, you could see concern on Rick's face and his gestures getting animated. You hurried over and stood next to Daryl who seemed to be deep in thought.

"What's wrong?" You asked.

"Carl's got an infection," Rick said and looked back at Denise, motioning for her to continue.

"He had an allergic reaction to the antibiotics we had. I told him to stop taking them. That lot of meds you found last week is fine for others, but Carl can't take them. I don't know if he goes into anaphylactic shock that I have what I need to save him."

"Alright, so where do we go look for other meds he could take?" Daryl asked looking from Denise to Rick, to you.

"Actually," you spoke up, "there's an industrial park about seventy miles north of here. I don't know exactly what's up there, but I remember Aiden saying something a possible pharmaceutical building in there somewhere when we were out with..." you paused at the memory that include Noah and forced it aside. "It was one of the places they wanted to get out and scout. Never made it though."

"Did he mention if the path was cleared?" Daryl asked.

"Doesn't matter," Rick said, "it's our only play. Can't let the infection get worse. Besides, we need the meds and whatever else may be left behind. So, let's go now and hope the way is at least a little clear."

Daryl nodded. "Alright, I'll grab a ride and gas up," he turned a gaze to you. "You comin'?"

"Yeah, I'm in." You said, feeling good about it. Maybe Carol really was right, having a purpose that's bigger than yourself could be the key to lifting the fog of regret and shame you'd been carrying around.

Just as Daryl pulled up with the car, Tara came running down the street from the infirmary.

"Denise! Rick! Come quick, Carl's fever spiked... it's high," Tara called.

Rick turned to Daryl in desperation, and before he could say anything, Daryl spoke up.

"Go, take care of the kid. Me and (Y/N) got it," he said looking to you for confirmation.

"Yeah, absolutely. Go, we'll go get what we can and get back," you said walking to the passenger side of the car.