Therapy Letters - Words that Heal

| Thirty-Nine |

~Swearing~

Dear ____,

I feel awful.

I feel awful, and I'm the one you bullied. I'm the one you destroyed for your own entertainment. I'm the one who you betrayed, without any reason. Yet I'm the one who feels awful. You wanna know why?

Because I miss you.

Yeah, I miss you. I miss our late night phone calls. I miss texting in Metalwork. I miss sitting next to you in Science and pissing our teacher off because we never stopped laughing. I just miss everything about you. You were my first friend. God, that sounds bad, doesn't it? It took me thirteen years to find a friend, but that's the truth.

You were actually fantastic, before everything happened. Do you remember on the first day, when everyone was teasing me and you just walked alongside me, chattering away like you didn't hear them? Do you remember the ice staking trip, when we were in first year? That was so much fun. Just us two, being stupid idiots. But we can't do that now, can we?

So, yes, I miss you. But I also hate you. Oh my God, I hate you more than I've ever hated anyone else in my life. You were my best friend, almost like a sister, and you betrayed me. You told everyone all of my secrets, made me feel crazy, worthless, useless, and you laughed about it. You watched me break, and you laughed.

Do you even realise what you've done? I cry everyday. I don't know how to trust people. I've forgotten what it's like to have a best friend, because you made me scared to have one. You made me afraid of people. I can't be in the same room with over twenty people, or else I have a panic attack. If I'm going down the stairs, and someone's behind me, I get terrified, thinking that it's you, that I'm going to be thrown down the stairs.

You wanna know the whole truth though? You might have broken me, but that does not mean I cannot be fixed. I have people who would never do any of the things you did. Hell, I have people who make me feel that maybe I do deserve to live. Trust me, that's a hard thing to do, after you drilled it into me that I don't need to live.

I miss you. I'll never stop missing you, there's no way that I will ever have a friend like you. But maybe that's okay. Maybe I shouldn't want a friend like you. Looking back, you weren't the greatest friend, were you? Not like the friends I have now.

Now there's only one problem. Are you happy? Are you okay? Do you know that if you need, I'll be there in a second? I don't think you do. You could have told me about what she was doing.

Yeah, I know about that.

If it means anything to you, even after all that's happened between us, I punched her in the face with no fucking regrets. No one can hurt you without knowing just how hard I punch.

You were my best friend, and you broke me. You left me. You treated me like shit, and I still fucking love you like a sister. I suppose that just makes me weak, but I think I'm okay with that. Being weak is fine, so long as I know you're okay.

Let's be honest, I'm not going to stop missing you, but I am going to stop letting you hold me back. I have a life to live, and I'll be damned if I'll let you stop me.

Love,
your ex best friend xoxo