Therapy Letters - Words that Heal

| Thirty-Eight |

~Swearing~

Dear you-know-who (not Voldemort),

Remember that time in year 5 when we were both in the small band that went to New World? Remember when you made me crack up laughing in the middle of playing the keyboard and completely mess up? You always knew how to make me laugh.

Remember that time, also in Year 5, when I asked you to dance at practice and you said we were friends? Remember when I just had the biggest grin on my face for the rest of the day? You always knew how to make me smile.

Remember those many times in middle school/intermediate, during those math competitions, when you always said I was the best? Remember when I always said we were 'equal'?Remember when you won the English cup and I was internally seething (because I deserved it and everyone knew it, no arrogance intended) but I managed a genuine smile and whispered a fake 'told-you-so' when you walked past me because you meant more to me than a silly cup? Remember when you started asking me to dance more often? Remember when me and you always had playful banter about Harry Potter?

But do you also remember when I told you I liked you and you just laughed and said 'I knew it'? Because I do. I do, and it hurt. It hurt a lot. But we were only 10 and it was just a silly schoolgirl crush, right? I got over it, right?

Wrong. But I pretended I did, whenever someone asked me, because we were finally good friends and I didn't want things to be awkward.

You know your girlfriend asked for my 'permission' over Instagram? She always was the nicest person. She says that if I wanted her to break up with you, she would. But I lied and said I was fine with you two being together, because you were so obviously happy and I wanted you to be happy, even if I wasn't. But now you're always sitting and walking together with stupid smiles on your faces and hugging when you separate and it's just so fucking cute it makes me sick, because I want to be her and I'm not her.

I'm the loner who stands/sits around on her phone because her real life is shit and her online persona us just so much better. I'm the girl who has no real close friends because all her best friends are stuck in middle school one year behind her, or a year above her a d apparently 'too cool' for friendship with year 9s.

And her? She's the most popular girl in year 9. Always surrounded by an enormous group of friends, with the flashy bags and the perfect hair and the prettiest smiles. Me? I have annoyingly short hair that takes a painstakingly long time to grow out, an old hand-me-down bag that's an ugly faded pink colour that I only use because it can fit my device and an awkward smile that for some reason never looks entirely real.

She's like the Queen, and I'm a fucking peasant. But for some weird reason, she decided to befriend me. But I'm not in her big group of besties, in just a friend she talks to on occasion, a friend not worth her time. I know I'm being a spiteful bitch, because she's a literal angel, but I can't help it. I know I have her permission and all, but she knows I have the biggest crush on him, yet she still goes out with him? What the fuck?

But, it's whatever. He's happy- and that's what matters the most. So I'll carry on with life, constantly pretending that I'm 'over' him when I'm still in just as deep as I was years ago. But, to him and to her- if you ever break up... I'm not holding back :)

lots of love,
anonymous <3