Satirical How To Guides

How to be a conspiracy theorist

How to be a conspiracy theorist

Wanna be woke? Wanna be paranoid? This is for you.

Step one: Stop the government from controlling your thoughts.

You can't truly be woke when your mind is being controlled by the government. In order to stop this, get some tinfoil and fold it into a hat, then wear it. The aluminium blocks radio waves which the government uses to manipulate your thoughts. I did this a while ago, and the government kept trying to fry my brain while I was folding the tinfoil. My mum walked in and shouted at me for scrambling around on the floor with bits of tinfoil everywhere, and kept ranting about how she was worried about me. But who gives a fuck what she thinks? She's a sheeple.

Step two: Get information on important events.

The best place to get information on government corruption is Instagram memes.

Step three: Win debates.

In order to win debates about certain conspiracy theories, there are certain phrases which will help you. For example:
•Sheeple- can be used on pretty much anyone who disagrees with you.
•Globehead/globetard- used on people who think the Earth is round.

Step four: misspell "Freemason".

The world is secretly run by the Three Masons. If anyone corrects you, tell them that it is actually "Three Masons" because there are three sides to a triangle which means Illuminati and sheit.

Now that you have read this guide, you can be a woke nonconformist by following the steps I wrote. I wish you well.