Shadow Life

Chapter 10

Shadow Life

Chapter 10

Christian's POV:

Over the last three nights, I have woken up to Ana's screaming and sobbing. I initially thought about giving Ana space to deal with what her mind was dealing with, but after tonight, I realize that leaving Ana to deal with her demons on her own was not going to work, and truthfully, it rips my heart nearly out of my chest. When I hear another heart-breaking scream, I rush out of my bedroom to Ana's room. When I chose Ana's room, I chose the one that connected to mine through an interconnecting doorway so I could get to Ana anytime, day or night.

As I open the door that connects our rooms, what I see and hear will stay imprinted on my mind for as long as I live. She is thrashing around the bed and screaming in agony, trying to claw at her throat to remove something that is not there. I walk over to the bed and I try to remove her hands from around her neck, but she twists away from me and lets out a blood curdling scream. As I try to roll her body back towards me, she curls into a fetal position so I can't touch her. I know she can't go on like this. I need to get her out of this horrible state. I try with all my strength to pull her out of the fetal position.

All I can think is, how am I going to help her? I know what kind of vicious cycle she is in. Where your mind is controlling what you see in your nightmare and, even though the events in your nightmare are long over, you feel as if it's happening to you at this very moment. My heart breaks for her because I deal with some of the same demons in my nightmares as well.

When I have my nightmares, I am brought back to everything that happened with the pimp and crack-whore. I can still feel the burning pain of the cigarette burning my flesh, and when he would punch and slap me and push me up against the wall, and when he would punch me hard enough to give me black eyes and bruises that would not fade because he would just add more the next time he was pissed off for no reason. I get brought out of my memory when I hear Ana sob. Finally, she is out of the fetal position but she is still scratching at her neck. So, I reach out and grasp her hands in mine to pull them away from her throat so she can not hurt herself any further. Finally, Ana relaxes so I can pull her toward me and into my arms, and I hug her to me.

"Baby, please wakeup. I'm here. I'll protect you, I promise, baby. What you're seeing right now isn't happening, I promise."

I finally feel Ana relax and shift in my arms and open her eyes, and look at me with such a haunting look in her eyes. Without saying a word, she pushes out of my arms and rushes into the bathroom and I hear her retching into the toilet what little she ate last night. I rush in right behind and watch her kneeling in front of the toilet, dry heaving. I come up behind and rub her back to calm her down but, as I do I feel her flinch away from my touch. I see her turn to me with tears running down her cheeks. I reach up and grab a washcloth off the counter and wet it and wring it out and bend down to her level and gently wipe away her tears and the vomit off her face. Then I kiss her forehead and run my hand down her cheek in reassurance. I can see my touch is having the intended effect, it is calming her down. I can see whatever her nightmare was about has her shaken up very badly, and she is very pale and is shaking all over. So, without a word I bend down and pick her up in my arms, with a sad smile on my face, carry her back to bed.

I softly lay her down on the bed and put her under the cover. She is still holding on to me as I give her a soft smile, hoping to convey that I'm not going anywhere, but when she won't let go, I decide to speak my reassurances to her.

"Ana, Baby, I'm not leaving you. I just want to get in the other side of the bed. Okay?"

Ana replies so softly I barely hear her. "Okay. Please don't leave me."

"I'm not, Angel, I promise."

I get in the other side of the bed and pull her towards me, and I can feel her still shaking. I pull her flush to my body and whisper in her ear. "Shhh, Baby, calm down. It was a nightmare. I've got you. It's over, you're safe."

I feel her trying to get as close to me as humanly possible. I have no problem letting her use my strength to deal with her pain, all I want to do is be the person she can rely on for everything. I just watch as she lays in my arms a few moments. I wish I could take all her pain away, but I know I can't. I know at some point I will have to give Ana a push to start opening up and dealing with everything, and get her on the right track to heal mentally and psychically.

I hear Ana's breathing even out and I'm glad she feels safe enough to some much needed sleep while she is in my arms. I just hope I'm doing the right thing for Ana because I feel out of my depth here. I want to help her, not set back her healing and recovery. I wonder if maybe I should consult Dr. Flynn about the best way to help support Ana. I know our backgrounds are somewhat similar. My abuse had a stopping point, while hers went on for much longer and was more severe. But I'll worry about that in the morning because, tonight I just want to hold Ana in my arms and chase away her demons.