Thinking Of You

"Another Again"

Still....

He spins me around, pulls me close and holds me tight, but gently. I close my eyes as I breathe in his scent, the scent so familiar to me and relax against his chest . I blow out a rush of breath as if I'd been holding it in, waiting until this exact moment to release it. I haven't felt this way in a long while. Relaxed, calmed and settled.

Daring to enjoy this moment, I slowly move my arms up his back, toward his shoulders and rest them there. A slight sigh from Adrian escapes from his lips and into my ear as he pulls me even tighter, massaging my lower back, head in the crook of my neck.

"Ive missed you so much." Is all the thought my mind could form, but I don't dare let those words push past my mouth. I bite my lip to keep from spilling my secret.

"Vicky, I" Adrian says into my ear but doesn't finish. Instead he just continues to lead us through the melodies of the song. With each passing moment, the overwhelming feeling of longing and comfort are replaced with the years of hurt that I had failed to deal with up until this point.

The song finally ends and he guides me off of the dance floor and towards the balcony away from the the crowd of the bar. He just stares. I stare back too, waiting for him to say anything, when he doesn't speak, I do,

"Adrian." I begin " Its been great seeing you, but I've got to get back to my friends. I'm sure their waiting for me." I point over my shoulder to the bar behind us.

"I know, I know. Could I just have a few more minutes with you, please?" Adrian pleads. I give in like always.

"Yes, sure." I stare at him patiently, waiting for his next words.

"I miss you, Vicky. So much and I" I cut him off right then and there.

"No." I throw up my hands and back away. "No. We are not doing this again. I gave you chance after chance, time after time to get shit together. And every time I think you're ready. We're ready" I gesture back and forth between the two of us. "It ends up the exact same way again. I told you last time, that was it. Don't you dare do this to me again." I say, on the verge of crying. My nerves already on edge, frayed from the contact between us.

"And I told you to give me time. Victoria, you tried to place me in a situation that I told you time and again that I wasn't ready for."

"But you sure didn't mind spending time together with me everyday or fucking me every chance you got, did you? You expected me to be comfortable with that while I waited for you to be "ready"? I threw up air quotes. "How don't you get how selfish that was."

"And it was selfish of you to keep trying to pressure me into a relationship that I didn't want."

He finishes and I immediately see the regret of the words on his face.

"Vicki, I didn't mean.." I stop him with my hand up to his face.

His words felt like a slap in the face and I reel back trying to maintain my composure before I cry or try to injure him somehow.

I just simply nod my head. What more could I say? I've heard those words before, but it doesn't make the admission hurt any less. Adrian stays quiet.

"Look, like I said. Last time was it. Four years Adrian, four." I hold up the fingers to his face. "I'm not sure how long you expected me to wait for you, but you sure got what you wanted out of the deal didn't you?" I snort.