Thinking Of You

"Another Again"

Music plays from the juke box as I make my way into the smokey bar. I'm finally able to have a night on the town with my girls after having worked the longest hours at the office on a Friday, getting ready for trial which took place that day.

The bar seems to have transported me back into an era different than my own. Everyone around seems to be enjoying the atmosphere of the place, not a phone out in sight. I decide to put mine away. I look around and observe the crowd. A bunch of twenty- somethings enjoying music from a time period that seemed of magic. I'll Be Seeing You by Billie Holiday begins to play and I almost float to the dance floor.

Uncaring of who's watching me, I begin to sway to the music, forgetting the long and tedious week that preceded this moment. Song after song plays and I stand in the same spot singing and swaying, a smile on my lips. The familiar string of instruments that I know all too well begins to fill the spaces of the bar, At Last by Etta James. I take the opportunity to open my eyes to survey the crowd again. The dance floor had all of a sudden become thick with the patrons of the bar. Couple after couple begin to dance and sway to the romantic lyrics. Intense focus on their partners, love in their eyes.

Suddenly struck with how alone I feel. The harsh reality that what I thought I had, something real turned out to be nothing at all. My heart sinks at this revelation. I make my way off the dance floor. Winding and excusing myself to get past a bunch of couples, I reach the opening of people and I catch a pair of eyes. My breath hitches and time seems to slow. I know those pair of eyes, all too well. Those same pair of eyes that caught mine 4 years ago. We both stand there, just staring. Taking in the moment and the person in front of them. A person tries to push past him and he breaks contact with me to let them through. I stand there and wait to see if those eyes will land back on mine. They do.

He makes his way over, but I'm the first to speak.

"Hi" I say and smile. I don't have the courage to maintain the same stare from before, so I look past him, trying to curb the intense flutter of nerves in my stomach.

"Hi, Victoria." He finally says. He's looking down at me, trying to catch my eye again.

"Victoria." he says in a whisper. I finally look up.

Memories both pained and happy begin to pass through our gazes. Tears prickle at the edges of my eyes, but I blink and find relief. It had been 1 year since I was able to see him face to face, in person. Being so close to him begins to fill the hollowed and forgotten parts of my heart that I had painstakingly locked away.

"Victoria." He says my name again as if he's unsure I'm really here standing in front of him. Slowly he brings his hand up to trace the apples of my cheeks. My eyes flutter close at the contact. My heart squeezes tight in my chest and yearns to have this feeling forever. But I remember, forever never worked for us. I begin to pull back slowly. I look up to see Adrian's face contort into hurt, but he lets me go. He always does.

"How are you?" I say and smile. I swallow and feel a huge lump of emotional ache in the back of my throat.

"I've been better, Vicki, How about you?" He says, eyes still show a shadow of pain in the recesses.

"Same here, Adrian" I say, honestly.

This year apart hasn't been easy and no matter how hard I've tried, I could never fully get over him. So instead I choose not explore the parts of myself that lets me feel for him.

As if debating with himself, a thought winning him over he asks, "Would you like to dance, V?"

Ah, Ella Fitzgerald's version of If I Could Write A Book. I can't resist so I nod my head yes. Adrian takes my hand and leads me to the middle of the dance floor. Warmth rushes through my fingers and up my arm, I clear my throat slightly in hopes that I distract myself from the intense feeling holding his hand produced.