United [A Superhero AU] - Book Two

Chapter Forty-Six - Guilt

At some point Mark nods off, and when he wakes up Jack is tracing lazy circles on his pectorals. The TV plays quietly in the background, Phil watching from a nearby armchair with a blanket wrapped around his body so only his face is showing. Jack doesn't appear to realize that Mark is awake and continues his whispered conversation with Phil.

"Did the fire remind you of him too?" the villain asks.

"Everything reminds me of him," Phil replies, pulling the blanket tighter.

Jack sighs, tracing the shape of a bird on Mark's chest. "I never stop thinking about him. He's always somewhere in my mind."

"Yeah, same here." The Brit scrubs his sleeve across his eye and sniffles. "I loved him. I still do. I love him so, so much."

Mark closes his eyes to stop them from widening. Phil had a thing with Dan? How did he hide it for so long? The hero rubs his thumb back and forth along Jack's spine and the villain immediately lifts his head to look at him.

"Hey, welcome back to the world of the living," Jack says with a weak smile.

Mark yawns and moves his hair out of his eyes. "Hi."

The villain glances at Phil for a moment before pulling himself off of Mark with a grimace. He reaches down and Mark takes his hand, using it as leverage to hoist himself off of the couch.

"Let's go to the kitchen to talk," Jack says.

His movements are slow and wobbly as he walks to the kitchen, and Mark steadies him when the need arises. The hero tries to hide the worry on his face, but knows he's failing miserably.

"Talk to me, Jack," he says when they reach the kitchen.

"Every time I see your scars, I can't help but feel guilty," Jack replies, leaning against the counter and frowning. "When Arin was attacking me, he asked how I could scar and nearly kill the person I claim to love, and it's just been making me feel more guilty than I already do."

The hero sighs. "Jack, how many times do I have to tell you? That was Anti that did that, not you, and Anti's gone."

"Can you stop telling me that it's not my fault?" the Irishman pleads. "I still heard everything that happened, and sometimes I can still hear Anti's voice. Lately, his voice has been getting louder and more frequent. I don't know... I'm allowed to feel bad about something that a part of me did."

"I get that he's a part of you, but it wasn't YOU. I just want you to stop feeling so bad all the time," Mark replies. "I forgave you a long time ago.  I want you to be okay."

"I can't stop feeling bad. I've killed so many people that didn't deserve it, and there are better people than me that should be alive right now! Why do I get to live and they don't?! I'm the reason so many people are dead!"

Mark leans against the counter and cocks his head to the side. "Have you just been letting this fester? Why are you so tense all of a sudden?"

"I'm not tense!" Jack exclaims. "I'm fine, I just keep seeing that stupid bullet scar on your stomach as a reminder every bloody day that I fucking killed you!" He runs his fingers through his hair, breathing heavily. "I just don't understand why I'm alive after being tortured and shot at and mutated when others deserve it more than me! Dan deserves to be alive more than I do!"

"Jack, stop." Mark's voice is deadly calm as he takes the Irishman's wrist in his hand. "I never want to hear you talk like that ever again."

"I just-"

"No. I can't explain the reasons behind who lives and who dies, but I do know that if you were dead, I don't know where I would be. Every day, I thank whatever God exists that you're with me and that I can talk to you instead of a headstone. You can't change the past. What's done is done. What you can change is how you head into the future and I want you in my future, so stop questioning why you're here and instead make being here worth it. I know you've been through a lot. Hell, you can barely walk right now without looking like you're in pain.  We can deal with the physical pain.  We can deal with Anti.  We can deal with the trauma and all the mental garbage, but never question why you're here. That's when hope dies."

Jack opens and closes his mouth several times before simply nodding. As Mark is about to let his wrist go, the Irishman tugs him closer and presses a kiss to his lips, wrapping his arms around his neck. Mark deepens the kiss, pinning him against the counter.

"I love you," Mark whispers against his lips.

"I love you too," Jack replies just as softly.

"Promise me that you'll keep fighting this and that you won't give up."

"I promise."