blue ✓

epilogue

this is to the boy I loved during the time I wrote this story.
I will always love you.
until my bones are nothing but the roots of soil-bound flowers.
the earth and water.
and the dirt under your fingernails.
so please remember,
the sun on the day I met you and the moon the night we kissed.
for it inspired me to write this.
thank you for making me the person I am today.
thank you for loving me when I didn't think I was worthy enough.
I never stopped loving you.
I hope you are well.
you're forever embedded in this story.
so thank you for that.
and everything.

***

"The secret of blue is well kept. Blue comes from far away. On its way, it hardens and changes into a mountain. The cicada works at it. The birds assist. In reality, one doesn't know. One speaks of Prussian blue. In Naples, the virgin stays in the cracks of walls when the sky recedes. But it's all a mystery. The mystery of sapphire, mystery of Sainte Vierge, mystery of the siphon, mystery of the sailor's collar, mystery of the blue rays that blind and your blue eye which goes through my heart."

– Jean Cocteau, from "The Secret of Blue," Tempest of Stars: Selected Poems (Enitharmon Press, 1997)

***

"The one subject that hits the hardest is love, whether it's platonic, romantic, loving it, gaining it, losing it ... it always hits you hardest. I don't think people want to hear me talk about going to bars, and how great everything is. The champagne popping ... who wants to hear about it? I don't want to hear my favorite artists talk about all the amazing shit they get to do. I want to hear, 'How did you feel when you were alone in that hotel room because you chose to be alone?"

six months later

With skies saturated in liquid gold, and parted white clouds that glowed across our quiet town, contrasting against that morning glow perfectly. Dripping gold, dripping sunlight and morning dew, ghosting the heavy lids I peeled open to the smiling sun. It was like fine honey, something about it tasted so sweet as I inhaled deeply and let my sore lungs relax.

It was when I shuffled against the old moss green couch that I realized a body was next to my own, blonde messy locks spiraled out over my chest as the unknown girl snored lightly into the sweater she snuggled into. I sighed softly, trying to adjust my body without disturbing the girl.

My friends were all plopped around the green backyard, some in sleeping bags, some on the couches that laid around the grassy grounds. Ethan and Sierra slept soundly down on the ground below me, a little too loved up as they cuddled in their sleeping bags. Her red stained cheeks contrasted against her dark hair so nicely in the morning, in love with the man she laid against. She had his name tattooed on her knuckles now, an act of love that made my stomach churn.

I let a yawn escape my parted lips, staring at the sleeping group around the yard. I recognized them all as my friends–except this girl sleeping against my skin and burning into my lungs.

My body felt so numb from my chest and down to my dangling legs, I was completely submerged in a hazy set of mind that numbed me. You're probably still drunk, I told myself. I stiffen in my skin, trying to regain the feeling in the tips of my fingers and toes. A buzz tingled in the skin down my body, my bones crunching together as I strained next to a sleeping body and the back of a rain stained couch.

"Leave already," the blonde whispers against my bare skin as my heart races, her hot breath left goosebumps down my core and I feel my heart push into my sore bones as she shuffles on the couch.