The Snake Eaters Daughter

Chapter 6 ~ Having A Blast With The Bleacher B*tches (**Batteries Not Included)

I'm the party star
I'm popular
I'll never get caught
I'm popular
I'm a teacher's pet
I make football bets

Nada Surf ~ Popular

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I have Astro in homeroom by design, as our mutual school counselor lady thinks we have an almost semi-healthy symbiotic relationship. I am kind of like Astro elfing translator to the real world, and Astro is like my all-seeing eye dog. Who supposedly keeps me out of trouble, and from blindly walking into the first fighting fray I can find. As if that was even remotely possible.

So we aren't even in homeroom class for two minutes and already I am already bored as all hell. Seems that something seriously strange happened over the summer since we've been gone. All the pretty popular pod people who inhabit this hell hole, suddenly got nicer for some strange reason? But I know better than to buy into this particular piece of fiction. All this first-day fake friendly will fade away soon enough, and then the real shitshow of fear and loathing will start right up. So we can start having some real fun in the horror show that is high school.

After wasting our time in homeroom, listening to the announcements drone on about a bunch of welcome back to school bullshit, that we could clearly care less about. We shove off that ship and move over to History, or what I like to call "His Story". History with Astrid is a serious trip for several reasons. Starting with the fact that before high school Astro was homeschooled on pretty much nothing besides the Lord of the Rings and the Gnostic Bible. So her knowledge of the outside world was pretty much limited to what I like to call the Old Testament according to Tolkien.

Upside explaining History Channel Hitler to Astro was surprisingly easy. Like the time she asked about World War Two for our summer school final exam.

"Okay, so like Hitler was super-duper evil and shit. Like Lord Sauron level uber evil, but with a really bad bowl haircut to go with his stupid insane brain. So that swastika symbol, was like evil eye banner thing? The Ring Wraiths were like the SS, who did Lord Sauron's evil bidding. Which was why the great God of War Ares sent America, General George S. Patton. So that the greatest general ever to be a reincarnated Roman soldier, could pound their nasty Nazgûl Nazi asses all the way back up the spine of the Rhine. Then nuke Mordor back to the second stone age."

"Oh yes, the dark lord Sauron and all his vile works should be destroyed at all costs." Astro nodded along like that was gospel, which in her case was probably pretty close to it.

The downside, explaining the American Revolution against Princess Diana's former family, turned out to be highly problematic. Although, I admit I did laugh my ass off a lot when she called the acting President in Washington D.C. the Whore of Babylon.

After History is dead and done for the day, we finally separate for science. Believe it or not, Astro is in advanced AP Bio-Chemistry this year. Way to go wacky girl! Cause this chick can cook up some drugs the likes you've never seen. Those Breaking Bad boys have nothing on my girl. Yeah...science biotches!

Whereas I end up in Drivers Education/Sex Science with Coach O'Something. Which makes a lot of sense when you think about it, as minivans are the mobile motel for most modern teenagers. So it looks like I am going to spend a semester learning where to put part A into slot B. Oh, and how to avoid having babies in the back seat, or some such stupidity? At least until the bloody driving films start? Then I can learn all about why you don't drink and drive. As if I really needed any more reminder of why that's not a good exit strategy.

So after that bunch of boredom, I end up back in PE class with Astro again. Where we kill off some more time watching the volleyball coach lady trying to talk to all the tall chicks in our class. So by the time lunch rolls around, me and Astro are still totally too cool for school. Well, at least to our badass elf-selves anyways? So today being the first day back, we grab our lunches and take up our usual summer school spot in The Lair for lunch.