The Quibbler Gone Wrong

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Dog's Bone

Harry Potter lived with the Durrslees but he wasn't very Happy Potter there. His aunt Petbangingtunesia hated his father Jame because he waved a euphemistic wand in her face while shouting the incantation: Seductumsempra! 

She also hated his mother Lily because she was jealous of sexy Snap's crush on her, and plucked her petals while she was asleep, causing her to be unable to photosynthesise, which left her defenceless to Lady Mouldytorte's curse. Jame was too busy Marauding to look after baby Harry on his own, and forgot to make a forcefield around Godric's Hollow where they lived. This is when baby Harry was in his cot and got struck by lightning, leaving him scarred for life. His scar burned every time there was a lightning behind the mic of the local gigs from punk rockers Azkaban. Jame was taken away for child neglect and died in prison.

Petbangtunesia married a man called Vernon Kay with no neck and no post on Saturdays. He locked Harry in a cubburd under the stairs until the owls pecked the padlock and set him free. Vernon Kay was a Twisted Firestarter who burned all of the Hogwarts letters, but young Harry called 911 and a barely-dressed man who called himself a firefighter used his hose to put one out. 

Unfortunately, Vernon Kay wanted to take the family for a Summer Holiday with Cliff Richard and told Harry that the island he lived on was much better than Hogwarts School of Bitchcraft and Misery. He was then nearly trampled by a giant called Hagridge, who had walked from the shore into the middle of the sea, wading in up to his hips until he reached the hut, and knocked upon the roof with a hammy fist which sent the ceiling crashing down.

Cliff Richard was furious because the hut was all he had left after his career took a downturn after the recession when less people could go on a Summer Holiday and had no reason to listen to his song. He kicked the Durslees out so they took a piggyback through the ohshun on Hagridge. When they arrived on the beach, Dudley Durslee asked for a pig's tail to match his lazy pig personality, and white-bearded Hagridge waved his ermbrella, making his wish come true. Then he gave Petbangingtunesia some lilies with the petals ripped off, and he cast a spell on Vernon Kay to give him a longer neck. Then he gave Harry a mince pie for his 'Happee Birthdae', but Harry was known as a Grammar Nazi and told Hagridge he was a great big oaf with no future. Hagridge confessed that he was a thumpin' good wizard, but he wouldn't wager on it because he might lose all his Galleons at the betting office.
      "I'm a what?" said Harry, stunned.
      "A wizard," said Hagrid. "But at least yeh can spell, although yeh can't cast spells yet."
Nonetheless, Hagridge was so lonely he let this slide and showed him Bangagong Alley.

This was where Harry bought a wand from the 13th Doctor. At first he picked up a cheap stick that the Doctor had got off the black market from Knockonwood Alley. He waved it and a blast followed: the windows smashed; the chandelier crashed down, narrowly missing the Doctor, who was thrown backwards with the force. He used his TARDIS to go back in time and remind himself not to be a cheapskate, so when Harry picked up the next wand it was a beautiful hardwood complete with chicken feather and lava core, which blew bubbles when he waved it. The 13th Doctor told him he was destined for great things because Lady Mouldytorte had given him the scar after all, not lightning as the Durslees had claimed, and would have succeeded. He had in fact survived the curse because Lady Mouldytorte had been drinking too many pints of unicorn blood at the pub and hadn't been able to perform it properly while slurring the incantation.

Hagridge was still pissed off with Harry and so lied that he had duties to do for Dumblebore. "Good luck finding Platform ten and a half, yeh cheeky shit," he muttered before riding away on a flying carpet, being too much of a great big oaf to ride a broom.
Harry was left to wander around Kings Cross by his confused self, and got on the train at Platform ten instead because he thought there was a typo on his ticket. But then he realised that there was nobody else waving a stick around and overheard a child say they couldn't wait to get to Dumfries. He got off the train and overheard someone talk about magic. He followed a flame-haired family and asked how he could get to Hogwarts. A woman with orangutan hair told him to run into a wall, four eyes, so he told her to piss off. Then he wandered around until he spotted a child actually run at the wall and disappear instead of entering a coma. He tried it himself and found himself on Platform ten and a half.

When he got on the Hogwarts Express he was so greedy he bought all of the sweets on the trolley, leaving none for any of the other kids. He met Ronold Weasel and was going to call Pest Control when Ronold told him that the rat in their carriage was a pet called Scabby. Then Hermyknee Babyinamanger fixed his glasses for him but couldn't fix his eyesight because magic isn't as clever as Muggle science and not even Dumblebore has heard of an magician optician.

They got to Hogwarts Bitchcraft and Misery where a boy called Drako Malfunctionoy went to shake his hand but was rejected because Harry Potter has no manners. He was left to stand alone with his loyal friends Crab and Gargoyle, who was later arrested for smoking skunk and whose place at Hogwarts was replaced by Blouse who preferred breathing fresh ayre. Also in the house was a girl called Fryingpansy Carparkinson, who only loved Drako because he was blonde. If he died his hare, she would have left him because she is a sknob.

Harry tried on the Sorting Sock which told him that he belonged in Slitherinside but he said no. Then he, Hermyknee and Ronold were invited to Hagridge's hut in the middle of the woods. He baked them some of his signature rock cakes but they broke their toothypegs on them and had to use reparo. Then he showed the kids his hairy dragon Norbert and said you'd better not tell anybody about this.