A Little Crush || Biadore [DISCONTINUED]

-16-

I felt worse than utter shit.

I rolled out of bed, every buzz of my alarm sounding like daggers in my brain. The bright light bleeding into the room from the window seemed like it was blinding me. My joints ached, and my brain felt like us was going to ooze out my head.

Of course - my body's cruel way of telling me I needed a cigarette. Like a hangover, but without the alcohol. At least I remember all the little insignificant details of yesterday so I could beat myself up about it.

Like how I got so emotional over singing a song - I was such a baby and I needed to pull it together.

This is why dad is ashamed of you.

I paused in my thoughts, and I began to breakdown again. I was weak, so fragile, and nearly everything was going to send me off if it pushed hard enough. Collapsing into my bedsheets, I bawled and bawled, trying my best to stifle my noises with the pillows.

After I had calmed down, I just lay there, hating everything.

No one told me this was going to be easy, and I was really determined to give them up. Not just for Roy's sake, but for the sake of not having to worry about this depressing shitty feeling that came with not having them.

I slammed my fist down on the alarm and it finally shut up. Groaning, I stretched, and got up.

"How are you feeling?" Ben asked, placing a hand on my back as I made coffee.

"Shit." I replied, bluntly, and looking at him with tired eyes.

"You look it. Go clean yourself up and I'll finish this." he soothed, taking over the coffee.

I moaned loudly, but followed his command and went into the bathroom. The lights hurt my eyes, but I kept them on so I could see. My reflection squinted back at me, with large bags under my eyes, like I hadn't slept for weeks. My skin almost grey, and was dull and lifeless. My hair was a mess and I needed to wash it. I looked slightly puffy and flushed from crying, and my eyes were extremely bloodshot. Stubble was poking its head through around my beard area, reminding me that I needed to shave. Later.

Once again, I cleaned myself up, and took a slow shower. Every movement and breath seemed like too much, so eventually I just sat down in it. I let the water drench me, and just rocked back and forth on the floor.

"Hurry up, your coffee is getting cold!" Ben called, and I grunted loudly in response. I was quite aware that I got easily frustrated with people when I was in this kind of mood, so I was going to keep the talking to a minimum.

I tucked the towel around my waist and shuffled out of the shower. Roy was looking on his phone on his bed, and flashed me a large grin.

"Good morning there, superstar." I chuckled with a croaky voice, grabbing my coffee from the counter and siting back on my bed.

Roy was smiling so hard I thought his face would crack, and I could tell he was in a good mood. Great, why was he only in a good mood when I was in a shit one? "Morning there, miss runner up." he joked.

I rolled my eyes. "My mom thinks I'm a superstar, that's all that counts. And you still need to buy me pizza." I replied, my voice failing me.

He laughed, but looked at me oddly. "Are you okay?" he asked.

I shrugged, looking down at the floor, dishearteningly. "It's nothing." I replied. I couldn't tell him I was giving up smoking for him - that might come across as weird or creepy. Anyway, I didn't trust myself to say anything right when I was as tired as this.