A Little Crush || Biadore [DISCONTINUED]

-3-

My head hammered, and I got the immediate taste of vomit in my mouth. Great. The signs of me going cold turkey.

I tilted my head to see the blue glare of an alarm clock. 3:28. Far too late for me to be getting up, and too early for my brain to full function. I quietly snuck out of bed and over to my suitcase, where I had hidden a pack of cigarettes in case I needed them. I hated smoking, even if I had to admit that I liked the aesthetic. I'd been smoking since fifteen, and now I never went a week, or even a day, without a fag.

Nonetheless, Bianca hated smoking, and I had been determined to give it up for her. I was never mentally strong enough to go more than a week or two without them, however. I grabbed my hoodie, and tucked the lighter and pack in my pockets. I slipped some shoes on, and left my room.

The doors to Shane's and Ben's rooms were closed, so I hoped they couldn't hear me sneaking about. The driver, Julie, had gone out somewhere, but had left the keys on the sofa. I unlocked the door of the bus, which was currently parked outside of a park site. The skies were dark, and the night was silent, followed by quiet whistles of the wind.

I clicked my lighter, and lit the end of one. Breathing it in was almost like a breath of fresh air, no matter how ironic that sounded. Smoking was a time for me to contemplate, and think clearly.

As I exhaled deeply, a gust of smoke leaving my parted lips, I imagined joking on with my mom. She hated me smoking too, but she also smoked, so there wasn't much she could change. Leaving her for months to go to drag race had been a huge choice for me, and though she encouraged me to go, I could tell she didn't want me to leave. She'd been lonely since my father left, and I felt bad for leaving for something no more than a stupid competition.

I started to shiver a little as a light breeze caught my neck. Gasping for smoke like my life depended on it, I felt shitty. At least the nicotine could calm me down so I wouldn't cry again, like I did after the reunion filming. I knew Bianca had meant the charity comment as a joke, but it had still cut so deep from someone that I cared for.

Not that she knew how I felt.

I sighed, breathing out a cloud. My thoughts always came back to Bianca. I always thought about telling her, but I was always the worst at having crushes, and part of me was scared of how we would interact after I admitted. If she didn't feel the same way, then I would lose a dear friend, and hate myself forever. But what if she did feel the same way? Would that mean we could be happy together? What if she liked someone else? Can Bianca even love?

I groaned. Love was so messy; I pushed her to the back of my mind, I didn't have feelings for her, and I never would.

There was the creaking of the door opening, and I stubbed out my cigarette with my shoe. I tried to look innocent, and looked relieved as I saw Ben standing there in his pyjamas and slippers.

"Danny?" he said, squinting his eyes, and sounding clearly tired.

I tried to say yes but it came out more like a grunt, and came back over to him. We both went back inside, and Ben sat me down on the couch.

"Why were you outside at this hour for?" he asked, his natural bubbly voice braking every now and then.

I sighed. "I couldn't sleep. And Roy talks in his sleep." I replied, solemnly.

"It's more than that, I can tell. I've bonded with you these past months, and I know you when you're tired. Right now you seem more disheartened than tired." he answered, looking concerned.

Ben was one of the best people I knew, he was kind and understanding, and he was very good at reading people's emotions. This wasn't the best in this situation because I really didn't want to tell Ben about my feelings. It wasn't that I didn't trust him to not tell Roy, it was just that Ben would probably see me in a different light.

"I'm fine. Really." I added, feeling cruel tears form in my eyes, begging to fall. To prevent that, I didn't make eye contact with Ben, and stared down at my feet the entire conversation.

Ben sighed, though not in a condescending way. "Please, Danny." he murmured, and I started to cry. He pushed them sway with his thumb, and my eyes met his.

"How do I tell someone I love them, when I'm afraid?" I asked, the volume of my voice dropping to a whisper.

Ben pushed more tears away as they fell, and gave me a comforting look. "Why are you afraid of letting them know you love them?"

I exhaled deeply. "I've always been hurt so badly in relationships, and I'm constantly an emotional wreck. And it pains me to find myself head over heels for someone that sees me as no more than competition. And someone that doesn't do love."

Ben squeezed my hand. "You know. All though filming drag race, and when it was just me, you, Darienne, Bianca and Courtney, it was clear. I saw the ways you would look at Bianca; how she was so different to anything you'd ever seen. With caring, and dare I say loving looks. I noticed how you went from hating her, to grinning at her every words, laughing at any joke as the weeks drew on. I think I was the only one that noticed that, and it was the sweetest thing I'd ever seen."

My lips parted slightly, thinking of words to say. I simply gave her a shy smile. "Thank you."

"How long have you liked her for?" he queried further.

I paused. "I've liked her since she first leant me that corset, and I saw a sweeter side of her. But I've been denying it up until a few weeks ago, and it's really bugging me."

Ben awed, and pulled me into a hug. "Well I know we're too tired to think straight, but you really shouldn't be afraid of telling her. Bianca's no more than a bitter 30-something year old man in a wig, and I'm sure she has a lot of feelings buried inside her concrete heart." He flashed me a grin as he pulled away, and I giggled a little.

"Thanks, Ben, a lot. And now that my feelings aren't bugging me as bad, I finally might be able to sleep." I smiled, sheepishly.

Ben hugged me once more, and quietly waved me off to bed. I smiled, sneaking back into my own room, and lying down. I stared at Roy oddly for a while, before my brain caught up with me, and I finally went to sleep.