random writings.

courage.

Things I wish I had the courage to say:

"Fuck you."

"Stop putting me down to put yourself higher up. It's pathetic and needless."

"You say you're not homophobic yet you still use gay as an insult and call my girlfriend my "friend" when you talk to others, even when I correct you. Thanks, dad."

"Stop shoving my mental illnesses under the rug. Stop worrying more about covering over my scars than booking a doctor's appointment about how everything is getting so much worse emotionally for me."

"Yes, I am so healthy. So healthy that I can't walk up a flight of stairs without almost fainting, so healthy that I throw up every day, so healthy that I can't fall asleep without crying."

"I genuinely don't think I'm good enough, I genuinely think I'm worthless. I think I'm ugly, I think I'm fat and I think I'm annoying. I think I deserve to die. I mean, I'll never try to die. But I think I deserve to. I deserve to feel pain. I don't want to be told, "you'll be fine". Because I know I'll never be fine. I'll never not be depressed or mentally ill."

"You're the best person I've ever known, and it makes me break inside, like it makes me shatter into splinters when you doubt yourself or say you're not good at something, or when you say you're something you're not. It breaks me, and it makes me so upset. I know you can't help it, but that doesn't make it hurt any less."

"As a friend, I love you so much. I underappreciate you so much, when you've always been there for me for years. You always help me out, and I don't thank you nearly enough. You're the best friend I've never had, and probably the best friend everyone deserves to have. You know how to help me out when I feel so fucking crappy, and honestly I feel so honoured that you're my friend."

"I think you know this already, but I love you. I genuinely love you so much? So fucking much? And I treasure your existence, and honestly just thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for always being there for me, thank you for accepting me, thank you for loving me. Just thank you."

"Stop being a bitch for one day. Try to at least drop some honesty in what you say. Stop whining about how life is so "hard" when people have it way harder than you do. What, a boy doesn't like you? So what. People have gone through actual trauma, and they don't complain nearly as much as you do. Just fucking stop for one day. Stop acting like your so entitled to be my friend. You can't just hurt me, find out you need me, then try to squirm your way back into my life. It doesn't work like that."

I am such a coward Jesus Christ.