Homophobia

Chapter 7

Yes. This was the start of something beautiful. A few weeks went on and those weeks were the best ones of my life so far.

Dan and I startes dating. I asked him on a date. We went pick-nicking and we kissed again. I even dared to deepen the kiss. And he didn't pull back.

I still don't get why he likes me. I never knew he was gay. Though I don't want to label anyone and myself. Gay is just a name humans made up to make things easier for themselves. Just like they name everything.

But today is the day. Today I am going to ask him to be my boyfriend. It's one of the most scariest things ever and I am sweating. But I am still going to do it. I want to be able to call him my boyfriend. It makes me feel fuzzy inside.

But it scares me to death. What if he says no? I don't know what will happen then. I probably will go home and cry. Then the next morning I will go to school and have red spots under my eyes. He will see me and just pretend like he didn't do anything. I will get questions and just say some lie. Than I will be moody and grumpy the whole day and when I come home I will be super down. I won't do anything for school and just lay in bed the rest of the day. I think that'll happen. I know myself well enough to know that'll happen.

I sound like a girl at the moment.

I step into the school and look around me. Expecting something to be changed. I don't know what though. Why would anything change actually? It's not like me being gay is a really big problem. Like I am a sin or something. They always say gays are a sin. Like we can help it. It frustrates me every time I hear people talk about it. Or when they make stupid and offending jokes about it. It's just not funny anymore. I even hear some of my own friends do it. Like no, just stop.

And I wish I could just say that right into their faces. But I know I won't. I am way to scared to do that. I am not sure if I want to come out of the closet yet. I have done it to three people now and it was hell of a task for me. I felt my heart beating and my hands were sweating. But it got even worse when I was so close to Dan, before we kissed. When we kissed all my fears and worries disappeared. I felt like the happiest person on earth and I may have let myself sink in too deep. But I will see what happens. I can handle it. I hope I can.

There is no one sitting at out table yet. I sigh and sit down. Looking at my phone. I haven't used it much in a couple of months. I was to busy with thinking of things. Not only Dan. Of course he was a big part of it, but not all. A lot more things are on my mind. Just not as cool or pretty as Dan.

Did I just say that. Yep, I did. Okay I am really lame at the moment.

I smile cheeky and shake my head. I need to prepare what I want to say to Dan. Okay so maybe it could go like this:

'Hi Dan!' I say when he sits down at out table. He is the last one. He always comes later.

He sends me a lovely smile and greets everyone.

'I am going to the lockers.' I stand up and grab my bag. I really do need to go to the lockers actually.

'Wait Chad! I am going too!' Dan says behind me and I smile in myself. Then I turn around and just nod at him. I turn around and head to the lockers. He walks next to me and I smile. I can't help myself. It feels so good to walk next to him.

I stand by my locker and look inside. I grab my history book and turn around. Dan stands behind me and is watching me. I forget I have a book in my hand and drop it.

'Jesus,' I mumble and I bend to grab it.

'You seem a little bit nervous,' Dan says and I look up at him. He has a half smile on his face and his arms are crossed.

'Oh, it's nothing. Just some thoughts,' I say and he steps closer. My heart starts beating and I turn around to my locker.

'What is it?' he asks and I feel his head on my shoulder. A shiver goes through me and I slowly turn around. His face is just a few inches of mine and look him in the eyes. They are beautiful and I could just drown in them.

'I... it's nothing, really,' I say and he plants a kiss on my lips. I stand here in shock for a moment. He's never kissed me in school before. We never had the courage for that. I don't even know why we were scared.

'Now tell me what's up,' he demands and I chuckle.

'It's just that I am worried to ask it,' I say and he grabs my hand.

'You can tell me anything or ask me anything Chad.' I smile and breath in and breath out.

'I-I wanted to ask... if you want to be... my uhh... my boyfriend?' I say and I look away from his face. I don't even want to see his expression now. He probably says no anyway.

'Chad I-I..'

'Chad?' someone says and I snap my head up. Who interrupted the best moment of my thoughts? Who was it?

Oh it's the guy himself.

'Hi Dan,' I say and he sits next to me. I smile at him and he sends me a smile back.

'Hey, Chad. Yes I'm early I know,' he says and I nod. I didn't even notice until he said it.

'You are! How come?' I ask a bit nervous. I am literally shitting myself. Like I wish that he just could ask me. But of course he won't. I don't think he will. He's not that kind of a person. I don't blame him. Or maybe he already thinks we are together. Whatever it is, it's really important. I have to ask it. It's now or never.

'Hey... Dan?' I break the silence with my words and he looks up at me. I meet his eyes and they seem happy.

'Yeah what's up Chad? You seem... concerned and something else,' he says and I chuckle lightly. I think it is the way I look at him. I don't know. He is just beautiful. He always says he is not perfect. And than there is me who says that even his imperfections are perfect. I just don't even know why. It's just the way it is.

'I-I... I just wanted to ask you... if you maybe... Dan, do you want to be my uhhh... do you want to be my… boyfriend?' I ask and he lookes surprised. I just wish I could hold his hand and hug him and kiss him right here. But I can't.

'Chad... I... I mean, yes! Of course!' he says and I breath out in relieve. What if he would've said no?

'You sure?' I say and he nods. I look around and notice it's not very crouded yet. I give him a quick hug and smile at him.

'Thanks,' I say and he shrugs.

'I was planning on asking you anyway. I am glad you did though. I wouldn't have got the balls for it anyway,' he says and I just laugh.

This day is probably the best day of my life. A new beginning. And the start of something I don't know.

*.*.*.*.