Confessions of a Mormon Bride (2014 Watty Award Winner)

What Really Happened That Summer: Parts I - V

Sam had a wounded, tragic soul. He was arrogant, mellow and too smart for his own good. I liked looking at him, which was my first problem. It's said you are attracted to those who are a reflection of yourself. Sam was cute and little with blond hair and emotionless green eyes. He definitely satisfied my vanity.

I met him week one, became friends with him week two and fell in love week three. Everyone told me it was a bad idea to date someone on staff. My common sense told me the same thing, too, but I ignored it. I'd always been out of luck when it came to boys. I was a cute, intelligent 19 year old who, to everyone's dismay, had never kissed a boy or had a boyfriend. In context, nice guys finish last and smart girls never finish.

On the outside, what Sam and I appeared to have was shallow—based mostly on physical attraction. Maybe that's all it ever was for him. I was just something warm to keep his mind off his ex-girlfriend. But it was much more to me.

When it comes to people, I search for a connection—something more than just common interests, common friends, or common lifestyles. I want an emotional and mental bond with someone that can transcend circumstances and differences. I rarely find something that real. But I had that with Sam. I remember the exact moment that connection was made. There are moments in our lives that are captured in our minds like a snap shot. That was one of them—the way he smiled at me. I remember thinking, “He's a good person.” He was a good person. Maybe he still is.

From that moment on, my summer progressed like all the love stories I'd ever read. Sam and I spent every moment together. I could talk to him and he took me as I was: a barely living girl with too much potential and no outlet. He knew me better than anyone on Earth, he knew what my scars were. But I hardly knew him at all. I knew his character and recognized his flaws, but I didn't know the real things about him that make someone a person. I never felt like he shared anything with me that he hadn't already shared with someone else. But he ripped me open, let me fall to pieces and sewed me back together.

Lawton and Sam fixed me only to later break me.

Part III

I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life.

-The Fray, “How to Save a Life”

My mind, heart and spirit had told me to end it with Sam the last day of camp. That was the plan. I prepared a parting gift. We would end with a “Thanks for the great summer. Good luck in college. Maybe we'll see each other again.” That was my plan.

Sam and I never talked about our relationship. He was my cute friend who held my hand and cuddled with me deep into the night. We never told each other how we felt or what we hoped our future looked like. We lived moment to moment, enjoying what we had. I had never lived moment to moment before. I always lived either in the past or in the future. Any time but now. Sam and I were now. We didn't talk about the end of the summer until the last week.

The staff finally decided to take the steps necessary to get our Boy Scout Venture Crew more active. This was my first ray of false hope. I was elected Vice President and Sam was elected Secretary. This meant we would still have contact after camp. I started to think maybe we wouldn't have to break-up because we had something to keep us together. Also, the day after camp Sam and I were going to an end of summer staff party. Then a few days after that my family was having a party and he said he would come. I was stacking my deck so it would be very hard to shuffle. I wanted everything to stay the way it was with Sam.

The last night of camp, we tried to stay up all night. The summer had worn us down. We were tired, but alive. I sat with him on the front porch of my cabin, tucked in his arms. We made it to 2:30 am before I made him leave. He had already saved my life, but I didn't know how to save his. I knew I didn't have the courage to end it with him when we'd leave camp in twelve hours. It was scary to imagine not having him anymore.