Yes indeed YES INDEED! A Naruto fanfic has been chosen for our first critique. Naruto was the first anime we watched so it only seemed appropriate. We'll be scouring Wattpad for gut-wrenching Mary Sues to add to this book of atrocities. So prepare y...
"Argh!" Where is this scroll that Mizuki was talking about?!". Naruto said as he entered the place were they keep scrolls that contain forbidden jutsus, he searched every single place, and he didn't find it, then he saw it falling from a high shelf, it fell then it suddenly opened, the boy tilted his head to see it lying on the ground.
So the scroll magically fell from a room containing no air currents. Pretty sure the ANBU don't just throw these things on the shelves like a sack of potatoes. They also seal them or at least roll them up tightly. It would not open when it hit the ground. You don't have to add quotations around italicized thoughts. The word "jutsu" is already pluralized. It does not need any added letters. Japanese words do not change form in order to represent plurality. That's an English thing. Drives me insane when this happens.
" So, it was all along here huh?". Naruto said to himself, he grabbed the big scroll and took it with him, as he was about to get out, he kicked a can by an accident that alerted the guards, naruto quickly hid somewhere safe where they can't see him, one of the guards approached the place and saw the huge mess, scrolls scattered everywhere, papers all over the ground." What? Since when this place was so messy? Speaking of the mess, what was that sound?".
ओह! यह छवि हमारे सामग्री दिशानिर्देशों का पालन नहीं करती है। प्रकाशन जारी रखने के लिए, कृपया इसे हटा दें या कोई भिन्न छवि अपलोड करें।
THE SOUND OF ME HAVING A GOD DAMN SEIZURE. Commas. Are. Not. Periods. This is one huge run on sentence and it's extremely painful to read. PLEASE break it up. I believe you wanted "here all along". Also, he "kicked a can"...? So there's just a random can lying around the scroll storage room? Naruto was able to break in during the cannon story so I'm not going to give that much thought. The way the guards act, upon the disturbance however, is not accurate. First off, they would have immediately sensed Naruto. He cannot simply "hide out of sight" and go undetected. They're not that dumb. Second, the whole "I'm going to verbally announce my entire thought process for no reason!" is extremely unnatural. If I walked into a supposedly protected room and see it's trashed, and on top of that hear an out of place noise, I'm going to be dead quite. There's clearly something in there. They're ninja as well. Even the most basic would know to go into stealth mode in order to best survey the scene.
The guard said, he tilted his head left and right to see nothing but a messy room." Maybe something fell off, I'll fix this mess later anyway...".
ओह! यह छवि हमारे सामग्री दिशानिर्देशों का पालन नहीं करती है। प्रकाशन जारी रखने के लिए, कृपया इसे हटा दें या कोई भिन्न छवि अपलोड करें।
