Naruto Mary Sues: A Fate Worse Than Tsukuyomi

Starish: The World's Worst Naruto Vampire

Milo and I have found it. The perfectly hideous Mary Sue that deserves both of our attention. It is called Vampire(Naruto fanfiction). Such a lovely title. It's done by neichopu and it's a DISASTER. I mean tear your hair out slam your face into your keyboard disaster. I can't even tell if English is this author's first language.

Let's start with the introduction shall we?

Side Note: The author commented and said they created this when they were pretty young, so keep that in mind. 

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Okay!So as you can see I wrote vampire as the book name hehe^^Well,the mc is actually a vampire.

But she's a young vampire PRINCESS!!Yipee hehe!Well, I really adore vampires so what can I say?Haha..

*Immediately vomits on everything I own* W-why....why would you put so much unnecessary cute crap in your introduction. I'M ALLERGIC TO SHITTY ATTEMPTS AT KAWAII-NESS.

That's the perfect way to describe this. A shitty attempt at Kawaii-ness. Good God Tanuki, this is going south so fast and I'm not ready.

So this book/writing tells a story about this vampire name Juuri Starish Ichinose(pronounce Juuri as 'Juri').

This "book/writing"? You really don't need to have that there. Pick one word. Also, "name" should be "named". Oh, and the best part is that you named your character "Starish". Fucking Starish. She sounds like a Pokemon. No. Also, if you want your character's name to be pronounced "Juri", then why not just write it like that. Why the hell is the second "u" necessary. Oh wait, it's not.

If you were that indecisive as to what to label this piece, you could've just called it a story. It wouldn't have been so unnecessary. Additionally, I wouldn't say "Juuri" any differently than I would "Juri." This sentence was a redundant mess. Think about what's important to inform your readers and what is not so you aren't wasting our time.

I'm already sick of the introduction. Moving on to Chapter 1.

Starish POV

I glance down to the village,scanning the place fervently.

[My name is Juuri Starish Ichinose.

Those ONLY close to me call me Starish.

What is wrong with your writing style. Spaces are missing. Unnecessary symbols are thrown in random places. Not to mention EVERY sentence is on a new line. Great start.

Not only that, it was just random as hell. It's like:

"So I was watching the clouds today- MY NAME IS JUURI STARISH ICHINOSE."

Find some chill for the love of all that's good and holy.

Strangers or those not close to me calls me either Ichinose or Juuri,if I permit them to.

I am the vampire princess,and yes,I'm a trained ninja too...

There are these magical things called "spaces" that you're supposed to use after a comma. You should try it sometime. And what the hell are you the vampire princes of? Konoha? Hyrule? WHERE.

I'm not the only one noticing the lack of spaces? Good. I'm starting to wonder if they've ever had a basic English class. Also, I don't even think they know. They probably thought that it sounded cool and threw it in there.