Built on Hope (Cassian Andor FF)

31. Aftershock

For the cause.

Always the answer.

Never gets old.

But to Cassian, it started to. It started to get so desperately old that his heart sunk. Yes, there was hope they could destroy the Empire. They could do it if they all coordinated and played their cards right. Except there was a line. One Cassian dangled himself across. Following orders was not always right for the cause.

Cassian shook his head out like a wet bantha, attempting to throw the thoughts out of his head. Yet, they clawed right back.

The child killed dozens.

What was it? Payback? He couldn't reach them, so he did the next best thing and blamed it on the rebels? Did an Imperial put him up to it? Some gangster waiting to turn that planet into a powder keg for some sick agenda? Oh no, did he think of it himself?

The last thought caused bile to rise in his throat.

If Cassian had shot him when he had the chance...

No. Don't do that. Don't blame yourself. Don't. For the love of everything in this galaxy, don't.

That child had a choice, and so did Cassian. No matter what, he had to stand by his decision. Cassian was not some indecisive spy that lets others get the better of him. He took orders. Hell, Draven trusted him enough to let him make orders of his own.

And yet, even as the resolution held strong, he couldn't help but feel a deep sadness.

One that brought him back to the one too many times he had been abandoned.

His mother left him without a word. No goodbye. No transmission in an attempt to talk to him. Nothing. Her mission was so important for them, and yet she didn't want to make an effort to talk to her own son. She never did again.

Another mentor, Mida Hollins, up and left the rebellion one day. Went off on a rant that they weren't going to send her to do this specific mission. Went against everything she believed in. Word came in later that one of the assassins took her down, but not before she killed four of them. Her own friends. Her own fellow rebels.

Then there was Lee Gaspar. Best escape artist Cassian had ever seen. That man could find a way out of a mirrored room and make it seem like a magic trick. Well, until he was captured during a mission. The Imperials spared no expense in torturing him immediately. Cassian had gone against Draven's wishes and gone after him, but it was too late. There wasn't much of him left when he got there. Hardly enough to stand on his own and make sense of everything around him. Lee barely knew his own name. It had taken every bit of energy Cassian had to put him out of his misery.

That child Cassian and Talia tried to save might have gone through the same thing, or something terribly similar.

That's what killed Cassian on the inside. There were two sides to every credit, and even then, nothing was ever black and white. Life was complicated.

And round and round in circles Cassian's mind went.

The same thoughts spread into other possibilities, and those possibilities spun right back around to the same few outcomes. Saving the child from the Empire. Killing the child for the Rebellion. And there was that tiny glimpse of hope that maybe, just maybe, the kid could have his own life.

It aggravated Cassian. Made his blood downright boil. If there was anything he hated more than the Empire, it was feeling boxed up in some kind of cell. That cell, despite his heroic effort to try to remain sane, was in his mind and influenced by his emotions.