Dear Evan Hansen, It's Connor Murphy~

[13]

Once again I found myself by Connor's side, despite only being with him this morning, this time walking to a river he had mentioned earlier. Clouds had began gathering in the sky by now, but not enough to make us reconsider our little outing. Eventually, the body of water came into view, easily identifiable by the light that reflected off of the clear looking liquid. The taller male smirked down at me before bolting towards it, pulling his hoodie and jeans off to reveal a pair of swim shorts as he did so. He was thin, as I already knew, and his ribs were faintly visible through his flesh. Faint scars also littered his torso- from brawls or self inflicted, I wasn't sure. I wasn't going to ask and potentially make him uncomfortable. They seemed faded anyway, so I guess it didn't really matter too much. 

I had gotten my cast taken off a week or so ago, so there was really no excuse for me to not go in the water. I trotted over and dipped my toes into the cold liquid, wincing slightly.

"It's not so bad when you get in, Evan~" Connor called, his entire body basically drenched already. 

"I didn't think of wearing swim clothes underneath," I retorted, rolling the bottoms of my trousers up as high as I could in order to still go in the water with the other. 

"Well, a little water won't kill you." Quickly, Connor splashed over and lightly grabbed my wrist, dragging me in deeper before freeing me. He lightly cupped some of the liquid in his hands and catapulted it in my direction. 

"Ah!" I yelped, the water seeping through my shirt. "It's freezing!"Connor laughed in response, enjoying my discomfort. In retaliation, kicked the surface and in turn soaking his already dampened body. There was a moment of silence, before it was destroyed by bundles of laughter from both of us, the sweet noise filling the area around us despite the clouds that were previously just beginning to gather releasing rain onto us. The coldness from the cascading liquid forced our bodies together in a warm embrace in attempt to keep our body heat. I snuggled into Connor's bare chest, still laughing. 

~

"Here," Connor said, his voice shaking from the newfound cold. "I brought towels. It's a shame it rained, it was so nice this morning..." I thanked him, removing my soaking shirt and wrapping the piece of fabric around my body. We had both retreated to the car, where we could reduce how much more wet we got, and could turn the heater on to prevent catching a cold. 

"We had a few good days of solid sun earlier this month. I doubt we'll get such luxury again this year," I added, enjoying the comfort from the soft towel, so much so that I closed my eyes momentarily. 

"True, true..." Water droplets slipped off of the boy's long hair, making his efforts of drying his shoulders and back in vain. I don't know how he manages with long hair, but I would never want him to cut it. He looks like a prince with his hair the way it is now, and in a way, to me, Connor really is just that. "Evan?" 

"Yes?" 

"Do you still have a thing for Zoe?" I flinched slightly, shocked at the sudden mention of my previous little crush.  We hadn't really ever discussed girls in that sense since we became friends. 

"Well...not really..." I felt my cheeks heat up, conflicting with the colder temperatures of the rest of my body. "Why do you ask?"

"Just curious." His tone stayed the same, and he didn't seem to be looking at me, but rather out of the window of the car. "Do you have feelings for someone else now, then?" 

"Well..." I covered half of my face with the towel. This would be a perfect opportunity to express to Connor how I actually felt about him, but I still didn't know if the feelings were mutual. He could be asking out of genuine curiosity, assuming friends usually gossip about things like this. "I guess...What about you?" My tone grew louder as I finished my sentence, turning the focus away from me and back onto Connor. 

The taller boy chuckled, turning towards me and sliding over. "I do. But more importantly, Evan Hansen, who is she? You aren't going to ditch me for some girl, right?" 

"No, but..."

"Is it Alana?" 

"Connor, we're not teenage girls at a sleepover...do we have to-"

"It's Alana, right?"

"No, he's not," I snapped, growing slightly tiresome of the questions. I eventually realised what I had said, throwing my hands to my mouth in disbelief. I had admitted I had feelings for a boy. I had never mentioned to anyone before about finding a male attractive. Even when I liked Zoe, I would see some men in such a light, but I still hadn't told anyone. And yet, I had just admitted to Connor Murphy that I had romantic feelings for another boy, who just so happens to also be Connor Murphy. 

"Evan, I didn't know you were..." Connor eventually responded, his voice lowered once again. I felt slightly bad for snapping, but those feelings were overshadowed by my embarrassment. 

"I'm not," I retorted swiftly, cutting him off and fiddling with my fingers awkwardly. "I like girls...but some guys are attractive too, so, I guess...I'm bisexual." Connor laughed in response, breaking the awkward tension and gently patting me. 

"Either way, it doesn't matter," he smiled reassuringly at me, that familiar smile that makes me want to hug him forever. "You still need to tell me who it is." I relaxed slightly, deciding to play along with his game, and once again try and turn it on him.

"You've asked me enough questions," I said, turning to him and smirking playfully. "But I believe you said you also have feelings for another person? I think we should discuss that." Connor's own pale cheeks flashed a deep red, something I had not yet witnessed. 

"I don't think we should."

"Why not?"

"You might tell them."

"Really? Do you honestly think I would do that?" 

"I know you would."

"Connor, you should trust me more. I bet I don't even speak to them!" 

"In a sense, you do."

"How?" 

Connor laughed, the redness about his face faded but still existing. "I thought you were smart, Evan?" I merely stared blankly at him, assuming he was inferring the person was obvious yet I was still unaware as to who it was. "It's you...the person I like is you."