Dear Evan Hansen, It's Connor Murphy~

[9]

I stood behind the stage, my shaking hands holding the note cards I had scribbled on in preparation for today and desperately reading them over and over to make sure they were good enough. My stomach fluttered with nerves as I heard Alana finishing up what she had to say. I couldn't do this. I couldn't do this. 

"Evan," A familiar voice commented behind me, before making an appearance. "Is everything okay? You're shaking." He placed his hands over mine to feel the vibrations they were making. His hands were cold yet still comforting. 

"I...don't know if...I can...." I said, shaking my head, trying to articulate what I wanted to say without throwing up from anxiousness.  Connor took my cards from me momentarily in order to get a better hold of my sweaty hands, gently rubbing my skin with his thumb and smiling reassuringly at me. 

"Of course you can," He chuckled. "This might not help very much....but, pretend...maybe, it's just me...that you're trying to help me feel better...you're good at that. You can do this, Evan. You've got your cards, you just have to read them." Clapping erupted from the other side of the curtain, signalling that it was my turn to say what I needed to. Connor released my hands and replaced his grip with my note cards before gently patting my head. 

I shuffled onto the stage, all of the eyes of both students and teachers fixed on me, perhaps hoping for something inspiring from me. 

"H-Hello students and faculty..." I began, already stumbling over my words. I tried to ignore this and continued reading the messy writing that littered each card. However, my attempt at pushing each completed card the back failed, and I found myself accidentally re-reading each one. I panicked, trying to find my spot before the cards sprayed all over as my unsteady hands lost all grip. I had messed up. Everything inside me was telling me to leave, to run off of the stage and cry somewhere in a desperate attempt to relieve the overwhelming feeling of embarrassment. 

I turned my head behind me momentarily, my eyes locking with Connor's. He didn't seem ashamed of me but rather full of pride. Perhaps it was because I had actually managed to go on the stage, but I still didn't understand why. 

I should give him a real reason to be full of pride. 

Slowly, I rose to my feet, leaving the scattered cards on the ground and nervously gripping the hem of my shirt. The entire population of the school stared at me with a few students trying to mock me discreetly but receiving glares off of the teachers. 

"Have you....ever felt like nobody was there?" I began, desperately trying to improvise something somewhat meaningful on the spot. "Have you ever felt like you could disappear? Like...well, you could fall, and no one would hear?" My mind flashed back to the day I lied alone on the ground, my arm aching with immense pain, and I instinctively looked down at my cast. It was a reminder of a time I felt alone, but the name that coated it's surface reminded me that, actually, I had someone. I had Connor. 

"Let that lonely feeling wash away. Because...just maybe, there's a reason to believe you'll be okay." I turned slightly to smile at Connor. "When you don't feel strong enough to stand, you can reach out your hand....and....I know that someone will come running...."  

Just remember that...even when the dark comes crashing through....and you need someone to carry you....when you're broken on the ground....you will be found." I stood confidently, the awkward quietness of the hall being replaced with applause. 

"Evan!" Connor called proudly, pulling me into a tight hug as soon as I left the stage. "That was...amazing...!" I chuckled, burying my face inside his shoulder. We stood there for a few moments, Connor showing no signs of wanting to break our embrace. I wanted to thank him. Thank him for giving me the confidence to continue and make me look less of a fool, thank him for helping me develop this project, thank him for merely existing at the same time as me so we could have this friendship. 

At first, I thought it was strange that one of my first real friends was Connor Murphy, but I was glad he was. Over the last few months that we've been together, my feelings had flourished and my world brightened from the previously monochrome and lonely one I had known for so long. I knew that my feelings would only continue to grow. 

I wanted to stay with Connor for forever.

If that's the case, though, perhaps I loved Connor more than just a friend.