Love Me Again

doubts

Yes, I'm still alive.

Trigger warning. 

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You couldn't bear looking at the photo especially when Newt's eyes welled up with tears.

"She's beautiful, love." he didn't even hide the pain and love in his eyes as he looked back at the photo.

Your daughter, wrapped in Isaac's sweater. She was so tiny.

"You were the first and last person to hold her." you said to fill in the tense air.

Minho saw that you stopped walking, so he called for a break and led the Gladers to a shade nearby.

Newt pulled you to sit a few feet from the Gladers. His eyes were moist but he was smiling sweetly.

"Thank you for sharing that with me, love. I'm sorry you had to suffer the next few years alone."

This stunned you. Newt was supposed to be mad that you brought back the pain he'd forgotten. "Y-you're not mad?"

Newt pulled you to his chest, making you stiffen and shiver. Never in a million years did you expect his touch again. "Oh, Y/N. You shouldn't suffer this alone. I won't be able to take it, you keeping this all to yourself. I'm here now. We can grieve together."

Your eyebrows knit together in confusion. Newt had gone from cold to caring so quickly you were starting to question his genuineness

As if he'd read your thoughts, he said, "I feel protective of you, Y/N... even getting rid of my memory of you failed in breaking us apart. Be patient with me, please. I don't know the Isaac you fell for but like you said - he's in here somewhere."

He was asking you to be patient with him. You were the emotional wreck and now he has to suffer the memory too. Newt was a saint, just like your Isaac.

"Hey, I can see you berating yourself in there." he kissed your scrunched up forehead and your heart missed a beat. "You have more photos, right? Why don't you show me a happy one?" he smiled at you and you couldn't help smiling back.

You nodded. "This one is on our first anniversary... Dominic wanted us to have a photo. You were up for it, but I- well..."

Your heart fluttered when Newt smiled fondly at the photo. "I wish I could remember it."

You were both wearing your work clothes. Isaac's arms were locked around your shoulders and your head was tucked in his chest. He was wearing a ridiculous smile as he looked down at you.

"Hey, Newt!" Minho. "Come over here."

Newt helped you up and sat you next to Thomas. Minho motioned him over.

Minho rarely took anything seriously, but he looked dead serious about whatever he was telling Newt. Newt didn't look pleased.

With a glance at you, he dismissed Minho and sat back next to you. His smile returned.

Jorge spoke up, "if what Marcus told me is correct, we should be at the Right Arm tomorrow."

"And if he was lying?" Thomas sighed.

"I don't know, hermano. But we're going to take the chance."

"We need to get going," Minho announced.

Everyone mumbled their agreements.

"You," Jorge looked at you. "let's talk."

You glanced at Newt to see him looking at you worriedly. You smiled reassuringly at him and handed him your bag, silently telling him it's okay.

"Can I help you?" you began politely as you followed his pace, Newt following closely behind but not close enough to hear the conversation.

"I know your secret, hija. And if you don't tell your lover boy, I'll tell him for you."

You nodded blankly.  "How?"

Jorge pointed his fingers towards his eyes. "I see you."

You nodded again, not sure what to say. You slowed down until Newt was beside you again. He gave you a smile and wrapped a scarf around your head to cool it.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Don't worry, love. By tomorrow we'll have a place to sleep and food to eat."

You smiled at him, ignoring the sick feeling in your stomach.

"Hey, Newt, look," Thomas called, pointing at a distance. "Is that what I think it is?"

You looked at the direction Thomas was pointing.

Buildings.

They were still so small that you had to squint your eyes to actually see it in the endless sea of sand, but they were there.

"The Right Arm?" you asked.

"No," Minho shook his head. "Too open. If they wanted to hide from WICKED they wouldn't hide out in the open."

"See, love? We'll be okay."

To see Newt so put together and strong gave you both skepticism and a sense of security. You were worried that Newt was bottling everything up (and soon explode) but you were also calmed because you felt like someone was there to protect you.

In his arms, nothing can hurt you.

You looked around you - Thomas, Minho, Winston, Teresa, Brenda, Frypan, Jorge...

What did they think of you? Did they think you were manipulating Newt? Taking their leader away? Stealing their glue?

"You alright?"

You turned to see Newt looking at you with a small amused smile, but his eyes were confused.

"Yeah. Just the dust and all. I'm a little sensitive to the dust." it wasn't a lie.

He took his last scarf - the one he was wearing - and ripped a strip off of it. He put his scarf back around his neck and wrapped the strip of cloth around your nose and mouth.

It smelled like smoke. 

And him. Mostly him.

And it was glorious.

"Huh. It's closer than I thought it'd be. Must be the illusion of the desert." Brenda said loud enough for everyone to hear.

Indeed, it was a hundred feet away. You could see people walking.

You looked to Newt, expecting a wide smile on his face. But he was staring at his feet as they moved, deep in thought.

"Newt?"

He brightened his expression immediately, almost too quickly. "Yes, love?"

You shook your head lightly. "Nothing."

"Come on," he touched your cheek til you were facing him again. "tell me."

The compassion and concern in his eyes were too overwhelming. So overwhelming that you had to avoid his gaze while still facing him. "Why are you so happy? Well... you're not happy happy, but you're okay. At least, you look like it. But then wh-"

"Y/N," Newt interrupted. "you're thinking too much, sweetheart." Swoon. "I'm okay."

"This isn't too much?"

"It's hard to process at times, yeah," he shrugged. "But I've lived not knowing where I am or where I'm going for such a long time it's not much to me anymore. Plus... you're here. I know who I am."

Is that the only reason why he's happy you're here?

"Don't give me that look." he frowned. "You're not some tool I use to access my memory. You were Isaac's life. You made him happy and you gave him someone to protect and take care of. You're someone whom he wanted to keep warm at night.

I'm not gonna lie. I want to do that.

You're a girl I loved and lost. And I'm learning to love you again."