cigarettes in the theatre; {m.y}

[ t w o ]

| no - eul |

Living is difficult. Every worthless day goes by with inches of guilt slowly smothering me and eagerness wanting to detangle every secret ever kept.

Cigarettes aren't helping to suppress or ease such bitter emotion anymore. These days nothing cures sadness. Only one thing will, and that is confession.

Everything ever bottled up has to release, a fountain of feeling, a fountain of healing and a fountain of hurt. Me and Chanyeol will both be left hurt, heck i'm already hurt.

I'm already in such a state where no feeling could possibly be worse than what is already apparent.

Anxiety stricken muffles. Inevitably heavy breaths. Panic attacks constantly, unescapable realities, inexplicable demonising thoughts.

I don't think guilt is a strong enough word. So cautiously and callously has my brain taunted me.

I feel bad for not loving one when I can't even love oneself. It may be a narcissistic saying that "you can only love others once you love yourself" however with such a circumstance than I am enduring. It seems true. As I began to hate myself I began to feel unloved by everyone else aswell.

Hastily after wards I lost the will to love Chanyeol, who was so dear to me.

I like him, I like him indefinitely though it's not the same kind of like as before.

Love is at a loss.

I'm afraid to say it as his heart also may feel the same.

The thing called a spark has 'died', died like my will to live.

Such burdening emotions can't be carried on my already frail back any longer.

At this time I was going to be selfish. I was going to disregard Chanyeols feelings in order to help myself.

I constantly tell myself that my own happiness relied on it, and it would, I know myself and confession would be the only thing that could hopefully kill this hatred.

So with all the contemplation I gather every last ounce of courage within me and decide to go to the living room where Chanyeol was laying.

I stared at him while feeling horrible. Wondering if I should really do this or not.

Just do it...

"Ch, chanyeol-ah."

| chanyeol |

No - Eul's small voice squeaked...

////

YES IT IS SUPPOSED TO END LIKE THIS.