Adopted by One Direction

Chapter 9-What if I end it?

Thank you guys so much for reading! xoxoXIIIlegal

As the limo rolled to a stop, I jumped out before any of the boys could object.

I grasp tightly to the key I stole from Niall and start to slow down as the soles of my feet pound the grey concrete pathway. I jam the key in to the lock and struggle to twist it. When I finally am able to burst through the door I don't bother closing it and run up to my room. As I slam my door I crash onto the bed and hear the boys trampling the stairs to reach me. I can already tell by sound of the strides that Liam is the first to reach my door. A small quiet knock sounds and I hear the rest of the boys panting indicating that they had caught up to him.

"Anna? Please talk to us," he says barely above a whisper.

"Please, just leave me alone for a while," I manage to choke out.

I hear their footstep slowly walking away from the doorway. I swear, you could feel the fact that they're staring at the ground looking depressed.

I couldn't hold it in any longer. I screamed into my pillow. I let the tears flow until they couldn't any more. I look at the clock. It's been two hours. I jab my hand under my mattress in attempt to find my journal. That journal means the world to me. It has everything in it. My memories, my feelings, my life. My hand finds its way to the cracked spine of the notebook. I briskly cross my room and pluck a pencil out of the holder.

Dear Diary,

I don't think I can do this anymore. It's been a week since I came here and it has been the one of the best weeks of my life. They've given me everything! Their love, their heart, their money. I just have no way to repay them. I can't do this anymore. I don't deserve them. Ever since I've been here, all I've ever done is prove my unworthiness.They love me and I will never be able to love them in the same way. They can never replace my true family and no matter how much I try, I can't open up my heart to them. They do love me, I just can't love them back the way they want me too. When my mom was here, I could repay her with love, but I can't do that with them. They do have a special place in my heart, just not a big enough part. Not a big enough part to allow me to care for them the way they care for me. Not a big enough part so that if they took me back to the orphanage today, it would have no effect on me. I want to love them, I really do, but I can't. My parents are still in my heart, even after all the abuse, they're still there. If I can't love and repay these guys for everything they did, why live with them? Hell, why live at all?

xxAnna

I dig out the extra razors I've collected over the years and press the cold metal blade to my skin. New razor. No memories on this one yet. I sometimes wonder if anyone else feels it too. The joy of a fresh blade. I slice my arms several times before I see black spots and endless darkness drives me to a state of oblivion.