The Art of Hope || Wattys 2017

Chapter 5 ➵ Powerless

"My dad... he's gone. He's gone Em, HE'S GONE!! Oh, God, he's actually gone. Em! Why is he gone! Why did my daddy leave!?" I was screaming at the top of my lungs and gripping Emilia by the shoulders. She tried to calm me down by muttering a soft, "Shhhhh," and slowly stroking my shoulders as she attempted to bring me into her chest, but I thrashed. I yelled like a child, tears streaming down my face, my hair falling in my eyes. No amount of "comfort" could fix this. My daddy was gone. My own daddy, who raised me a nurtured me. The one who I thought had loved my mother and I since the beginning. He did love us, so why would he go? Why?!

With a red face and and hair clinging to my skin, I yelled in Emilia's face and thrust her onto the bed with as much force as I could muster and ran. I just ran. I ran down the stairs through the living room and out the front door. I brushed by my mom like she was nothing. I ran. I ran for I don't know how long. My legs pounded on the ground to the beat of my heart. My feet were blistering through my socks, but I didn't care. No physical pain could compare to the amount of grief I was feeling right now. I breezed past the trees, taking turn after turn, letting my feet take me where they wanted to. I had no control right now. No control over my body, the tears, the pain.

My dad was gone.

And there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

✤✤✤

I sat on a park bench I had no idea how I had gotten to.

I just sat, gazing into the trees' black silhouettes, outlined by the light of the setting sun. The branches swayed in the wind with a slow, soothing pattern

I kind of felt like the trees. I was powerless, completely powerless against the the way of life. It wants what it wants. Just like the wind. It is unseen, yet one of the most influential things on Earth. It can weather the tallest mountains, and whittle the biggest fortresses down to dust, or toss trees in its raging currents. One moment everything is calm, and then suddenly the wind comes and creates a destructive storm.

Life and its path is unseen, but its will stronger than anything else.  It can tear down kingdoms or build empires in the most unexpected times, and no one can do a thing about it.

The feeling of powerlessness is one of the worst in the world. Our human nature is to want to control a situation. We aim to govern anything and everything in our life and others', and many times we will succeed. But it's moments like these when the true meaning of powerlessness is revealed. When all you can do is sit back and watch the world break apart, completely at mercy to the situation, it breaks you. When everything you love is shattered to pieces, you can't do anything. It makes you feel weak, vulnerable... inferior. It's an awful lot like a vase. When it shatters, there is no fixing it completely. No amount of glue, tape, or time can fix what is broken. All you can do is remember what was once there, but there is no way to completely restore it.

No matter how hard I would try, there was no changing the fact that my father was gone. I couldn't bring back what was lost, no mater how hard I tried. No amount of tears, screaming, or time could change it. I was truly powerless. It left me feeling more than empty than I ever had before.

All of these thoughts came to me as I sat on that park bench, gazing into the suns marvelous rays, as it dipped below the horizon. I had no idea how long I had been here, or how far I had run. All I knew is that my father was gone.

I felt the slight creaking of the bench next me, but I was too afraid to see what I would find.

I didn't want to talk to anyone right now. I don't think I could manage to speak even if I tried, but of course the body next to me didn't listen to my internal pleas.