Wandering Thoughts

My Place

Do you ever remember something you don't want to remember?

Tonight I started by remembering you telling me that you didn't love me the same way. Not that it surprised me. You have her and you're happy.

It still hurt really bad though.

Then I remembered him and I was okay again. Everyone always seems to think that he didn't treat me right but I really deserved worse. It always seems to calm me on nights like this to remember him.

It reminds me of my place.

I felt so lost when I remembered you. I couldn't help but keep wondering why you couldn't love me like you love her. But then I remembered him and it all made sense again. Once I remembered my place I was okay. 

I deserve less.

That makes it okay really. Remembering the mornings when he reminded me that he could never love someone like me and the nights he called mistakes... They make it clearer to me. You don't love me because you can't. 

I'm simply not lovable.

Once I remember that, it becomes okay again. I'm okay now that I remembered what I'm worth. Now I remember that you deserve better and I deserve nothing. My place is strictly to do as you ask and be who you need. 

I'm irrelevant. 

I'm really glad I remembered before I got worse. Now I'm calm and at peace knowing who I am and what I deserve. Now I know my place again. It may sound a little twisted but it really isn't. I'm simply aware of myself. There's nothing wrong with that. People just get confused sometimes about what's right and what's wrong. He treated me better than he should have. So his reminders about my worth and how i'm unlovable and a mistake are really a blessing. 

They keep me in check when I forget myself.

So now my night isn't so bad. I'm smiling and I know who I am again. I have him to thank for that. Now knowing you can never love me or want me makes sense again and I don't have to question why or what she has that I don't. It doesn't matter because in the end I'm me and that's an explanation enough as to why I'm unwanted.