Camp for the Emotionally (Un)Stable || Lams

Chapter Eleven: Is This What You Wanted?

Hamilton|First Person

It seems like every other kid around me is used to sleeping in the middle of the forest with nothing but a blanket for comfort. Nearly every last person had fallen asleep almost immediately after the Washingtons had finished their spiel about the stars, some of them even dozing off during. After that a couple kids stayed awake, talking softly, their voices lost in the night before they inevitably passed out as well. Even John had slipped into sleep at some point beside me.

We'd hardly said a thing to each other all night. It was as though we were both under some unspoken agreement that this wasn't the time to talk. That we were waiting for something. Something would happen, we just had to let it take its time.

I lie flat on my back, John's blanket tucked up to my chin. The uneven ground beneath me digs into my back as I stare at the sky, picking out a couple of constellations I remember from the lecture. The sound of the even breathing clouds my ears, making it hard to turn off my mind. I blink rapidly, trying to convince myself my eyelids were getting heavy.

No such luck. I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't sleep at all tonight. They only thing I've been coherently dreaming about lately has been John anyway.

"Alexander?" Someone breathes softly. I don't move. "Alex, are you awake?" It's John. I turn my head to look at him.

"Hmm?"

His cheeks are shaded a light pink color that I can hardly make out in the dim lights of the lanterns littered around the camp. "Can we go talk somewhere?" He whispers, looking sheepish as he rolls to his side. He leans a little closer to me, making my chest tighten with anxiety. I nod, causing him to smile a little and start to crawl out from under the blanket. He holds his hand out to me, helping me to my feet.

We stand in silence for a moment, the dark sky seeming to push in on us. For a split second I forget where we are, looking up at his freckled face that reminds me of the stars that I was just looking at. He looks back at me, his hazel eyes seemingly trapping mine. The rest of the world goes blurry for a moment as me smiles, his hand finding mine.

"C'mon, I have something to tell you," he says quietly, his face only a couple inches from mine. We tiptoe around a couple of kids to the cluster of trees behind where we were sleeping. His hand squeezes mine reassuringly as we venture deeper into the trees. The sound of sleeping kids dissipates as low hanging branches clog our bath. John releases my hand, coming to an abrupt stop.

He digs for something in his pocket, pulling out a little silver flashlight. He clicks it on, illuminating the area we stopped in. It's a small clearing, surrounded by rocks and trees, the ground carpeted with pine needles.

"What's going on?" I ask in a low voice. He scans around the area for a moment. He turns back to me, smiling with cheeks that glow a dark pink color now. He picks both of my hands in his, the flashlight shining down at the ground and bouncing back up to create odd shadows on our faces. I shiver a little, suddenly becoming very aware of how dark the rest of the forest is.

"Alex, I..." His words seem to get lost as he stares intently into my eyes. He takes a breath, swallowing hard enough to make his Adam's apple bob. "I- I've-" He huffs suddenly, cutting off his own words. "I'm sorry, I've never been good at these things." He looks down at our shoes. I squeeze his hand, causing him to look back up at me, confused as to why he's so nervous.

"It's ok. You can tell me." He nods a little, biting at his lower lip. His eyes meet mine again, growing wide. Something seems to click in his mind as he moves his hands to my waist instead.

"Maybe I could show you," he says lowly. He tilts his head toward mine, his lips parting slightly.

"John-" I manage before his lips are pressed to mine and I can't make any sounds besides a hum of surprise into his mouth. His hands circle around my back, pulling me closer to him. His lips aren't chapped like the first time I really looked at them. They're soft now, and a little wet against my own.

I haven't kissed too many people, but none of those kisses felt quite like this. My whole face tingles, radiating heat from where his mouth touches mine. His hands move from my hips up to wrap around my neck, his fingers pressing to the base of my skull. I sigh leaning my whole body into his. He makes a noise into my mouth, his tongue skimming over my lips for a moment.

He pulls away suddenly, sucking in a breath. "Sorry," he mutters. He lets his hands drop from my neck, reaching up to touch his red lips. "I shouldn't have done that," he says, his face even more flushed than it was before. I shake my head quickly, unsure of why he regrets kissing me.

"Don't be sorry," I tell him, reaching for his hand that doesn't hold the flashlight. His eyes look up into mine, showing genuine discomfort at my statement. "John?" I ask timidly, afraid of what he'll say.

"No," he insists, pulling his hand away from mine. He takes a few steps back, "I can't do this." He rubs at his eyes, looking away from me, back towards the camp.

Can't you see you're making it worse?

The sentence echos through my head. I wonder if it's what he thinks about this.

"John, what's wrong?" I ask, desperate for an explanation. Does he truly regret kissing me. Does he really think I'm that undesirable. Maybe he's right. Maybe I'm just impossible to love.

He turns back to me, "I'm sorry, Alex. I can't do this to you. It's too cruel."

Tears prick my eyes. Too cruel? Was this some sort of dare? Was this a prank? Messing with my feelings, is that funny to him? "What?" I ask, hearing the pathetic tone in my voice. "What is this?"

"I need to go, Alex. I need time to think about this," he turns on his heel, walking back through the forest away from me.

"What the hell, John!?" I call after him, causing him to look at me for a half second.

"I'm sorry," he says quietly, disappearing from sight. 

I wrote this like three times and I didn't get a chance to edit the whole thing so I hope it isn't too unbearable.
<3