Aphmau HEADCANNONS(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

The Aphmau Comedy Club pt.2

Travis: Another story I heard about myself! This one happened in high school.  

So we had this teacher at our high school whose kid went to our high school. His name was Mr. Ro'maeve, and his kids were Garroth Romaeve, Zane Romaeve, and Vylad Romaeve. Mr. Romaeve was... an arsehole. At least to his students. And one weekend, he and his wife decided to leave town, which you should never do if you're an arsehole.

And Garroth Ro'maeve decided to throw a party at the teachers house. Hoorayy!

And everyone in town heard about it, and we all got up individually, and thought,

"Okay. Let's go over there, and destroy the place."

I walked into this party. Everyone I had ever met was there, and everyone was drinking like it was the end of the world. People were drinking like it was Civil War times and a doctor was coming to saw their legs off. It was totally unsupervised. We were like dogs without horses, we were running wild.

I walked down into the basement and they had a pool table in the basement. One dude, Dante, took a running start and threw his body onto the table and broke it in half. 

Another kid, Zenix, found out which room was Mr. Romaeves, and took a dump on his computer.

So the party was going great.

I'm standing in the basement and I'm holding a red cup (like you see in movies), and I'm standing there with a red cup and I'm starting to black out. And I guess someone said something like "somthingsomething police."

And in a brilliant moment of word association, I yelled "F DA POLICE! F DA POLICE!!" 

And everyone else joined in.

A hundred, drunk, white children yelling F DA POLICE.

With the confidence of guys who have, like, already been to jail and aren't afraid of it any more, like "I'VE SERVED MY NICKEL, YOU COME AND TAKE ME" kind of confidence. But with white children.

The reason why someone had said "somethinsomething police" was because the police were there.

So Phoenix Drop police officer walked down the stairs and looked out over a sea of drunk toddlers yelling F DA POLICE in his face.

And he was almost impressed

Almost like "Wooooooowwwww"

Then he leaned into his walkie-talkie and said, "Get the paddywagon".

And my friend Aphmau, who is now a mother, this woman now has a baby, she grabbed a forty, smashed it on the ground and yelled "SCATTER!".

And everyone ran in different directions. We all ran in different directions. It was like that scene in Ratatouille where the humans come into the kitchen and all the rats go different ways? We all ran in different directions.

I ran into the laundry room and I jumped on the washing machine and I crawled out through the window into the backyard and now I'm running through the backyard and there was this big chain link fence and I thought "I've never climbed a fence that high before!"

And then I woke up at home.

On Monday, I went to school, because that's what you did back then. And I'm walking into the school building and who do I see but Vylad Romaeve.

And he says to me, "Hey, were you at my party on Saturday?"

And I said "no." Y'know, like a liar.