There Must Be Something More

55 | Silk Flowers

I felt like a zombie. Numb. Or maybe I felt terrible. I knew I felt bad and scared for Liam's situation. But minding my own business seemed as if the most convenient thing I had to do. The kid was my age--he could take care of himself.

But it looked as if I wobbled my way into the Grace Club room. And whatever it was that pushed me into ignoring other people's business and minding my own, it wasn't working. I still felt terrible to the bone.

When I reached the door to the room, I hesitated. I didn't want anyone to see me like this. I didn't want to have to explain myself. And I also didn't want to lie and put on a good face. I didn't think I could handle it. Besides, I'd feel guilty for lying.

Just when I was about to turn around and leave, I felt a tug on my sleeve.

"Hey, where are you going?" Meredith asked.

I closed my eyes. I sighed. I turned around. She gestured for me to come in and I did.

Inside was only Samuel and Lily playing chess. The rest of the club mates were out.

"Where are the others?" I asked.

"They were all busy," Meredith answered. "Where's Trey?"

"He'll come in a minute," I said. She hurried over to the window ledge and decorated fake flowers on the window grilles. She hummed as she did so. I wondered how a girl could hold so much happiness in her. I guess that's what it was for someone who's with God.

And since I felt miserable--I wasn't with God? I didn't know to answer that. I wanted to know the answer, but I also didn't think I could talk to somebody about it. At least, not yet.

I sat down a beanbag chair and closed my eyes for a bit. I wanted to doze off and forget about everything for a while. The guilt was definitely killing me, and I wasn't dying. I wondered if this was a normal thing for a Christian to go through or if I just had psychological problems.

And then I felt something on my face. It smelled fragrant. I opened eyes and realized a silk flower rested on the bridge of my nose. I picked it up and realized Meredith was already beside me.

I gasped and sighed. "Don't scare me like that."

"You look awful," she said.

"Thanks."

"Something you wanna talk about? You okay?"

"Can okay people look awful?"

"Of course not."

"Then there's your answer."

"Something you wanna talk about?" she asked again. Her brown eyes searched for mine, and I rolled them out of reach.

"Want to talk about?" I asked. "No."

Meredith pouted. Then she shrugged. "Okay." She started to get up--

"I'm not a real Christian," I blurted out. I didn't plan it. It was as if the Holy Spirit had pushed me to do so.

She stopped, sat down again, and stared hard at me. She looked like she was trying hard not to smile. "Not a real Christian? What do you mean?"

"I'm a hypocrite," I said.

"How so?"

I explained her to her the whole situation about Liam and how he wanted to be friends and hang out and me not being able to even talk to him about God. I told her how bad I felt that I decided to ignore the kid's problem thinking it was going to be the solution, but all it gave me was a good night's sleep--although in the waking hours my anxiety grew worse.

Meredith listened in all of these. Her eyes only leaving me to close her eyes, but her nods were encouraging. She didn't have to say anything to sympathize.

When I was done, I finished with saying, "That's why... I'm a hypocrite. I'm not like you; so real before God. No hesitations, no disobedience--"

Meredith smiled and shook her head. "I'm not perfect, Charlie. I'm humbled if it seems like I am, but honestly it's the Holy Spirit in me. I'm not the holy one. I'm just forgiven. And the only thing I'm doing is living for God and letting Him do the work in my life. I don't try to be perfect, if I do then I'll fail. I'll get even more frustrated in the process. It is God who is perfect, so I'm leaving the changing to Him. I fail Him lots of times, but I repent and trust that He's working in my life. I hold onto the verse in Philippians 1:6:

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."

I stared at her. I still didn't understand what she was trying to say.

"As for you, Charlie, God is working on you. Let Him. If you feel bad about not having the guts to talk to Liam about God, then repent of this shortcoming and ask God to give you the courage and boldness to spread His Word through the Holy Spirit. That's all we have to do. Trust God with everything. It is Him who fights our battles. What we should do? Live for Him. That's all we have to do. Let's allow Him to make the change in our lives. Continue to live for the Lord. He will never leave you nor forsake you. All you gotta do is stick with Him, really.

"I'll give you this verse from Romans 8:1: So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. God doesn't judge you anymore, Charlie. And don't even think He doesn't get you. You don't come as a surprise to Him. He knew what He was getting when He chose you. He knew you'd have these tribulations, but He also promises to go through it with you, to strengthen you with it. Trust Him. Hold on to what He tells you. He's more faithful than you'll ever know. Trust Him. Surprise yourself."

I was weeping. I covered my face with both hands and let the tears flow like a rainfall. I didn't expect it to be like this. For God to love me like this. It was like I could spend a whole lifetime with Him, but still won't know half of Him. But it wasn't a feeling of being left out or stupid, it was an exciting feeling and the longing to want to know Him more.

Meredith rubbed the back of my shoulder. I remembered my mother's touch from years ago.

When I looked up, she was smiling. And I found myself smiling with her.

"Don't turn a blind eye on Liam's situation," she said. "Get involved with it through prayer. Prayer is the best thing you can do for someone. Don't stop until you see a change--the change might come from the Holy Spirit telling you to do something or Liam himself being motivated by the Spirit to be curious about your faith, I don't know. But pray until something happens. It is by prayer that we are warriors. And it is by faith we are conquerors.

"It says it all on Romans 8:37, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us."

I looked out the window and stared at the silk flowers inserted on the grilles and the afternoon sunlight casting a faint ray of yellow onto the ledge.

And for the first time since what felt like a thousand years, I smiled again.