Boy

FOUR

"You should tell them." As soon as the sentence departs from the dark blue haired boy's mouth, Daniel turns his head to look at Alex with wide eyes.

"What?"

"You should tell them," Alexander repeats.

"N-no, I can't," Daniel is too quick to say, looking at the ground from where they sit on his bed. After school today he managed to meet up with him and sneak him into his room, through his window. It still remains open now, casting a breeze over the basement that usually brought on labored breathing.

"You told me."

"That's because I trust you."

"And you don't trust your parents?" as soon as Alex asks, Daniel shoots him a look and shakes his head from side to side.

"They hate me," Daniel confirms. "I can't talk to them about it."

"They don't hate you, they just strongly dislike who you've decided to be from now on, and they'll get used to it." Alex offers a small, hopeful smile.

But Daniel scoffs and lays back onto his bed in a swift motion, staring up at the ceiling. "Did you have to get used to it?"

"No," Alex immediately replies, "But that's only because I met you as Daniel and that's who I know you as."

"Huh," Daniel says. What he doesn't mention is how happy that sentence makes him feel. He tries to ignore the feeling in the pit of his stomach, "Well, even if they somewhat like me, I hate them."

"Huh," Alex hums, following Daniel and laying down on his back. They look at each other, and Daniel's chest involuntarily flutters. This time, however, he doesn't really mind. Alex's eyes seem a few shades different, and the way he's looking at him - god. "I like you," says Alexander, "Does that make you hate me?"

Alex is close. Too close. To the point where Daniel can see the light spray of almost invisible freckles scattered across his pale cheeks, where he can see exactly where the caramel and chocolate meet in his eyes.

Daniel doesn't know how to respond. "Y-you what-"

"I like you." Alex could have just as well said 'The sky is blue' or 'The grass is green', because when the words leave his mouth, he somehow makes them sound like its common sense and Daniel is almost thrown on the spot for not realizing it.

"You mean, like, in that w-way?"

"Mhmm," Alex draws on, glancing away for a brief second. "And I asked you if you hate me for it."

"N-no-"

"You mean no, you don't hate me, or are you rejecting me? Because I'm kind of putting myself on the spot now and that's not very easy to do." The blue haired boy rolls his bottom lip into his mouth anxiously. Daniel is breathless.

Daniel talks, but he can't look at Alex or he might stumble on his words again. "What's there to reject?"

It happens fast. Daniel kind of always expected it to be slow and calm and peaceful, but when Alex whispers, "Hmm, maybe this," and leans in, everything is exactly the opposite of that, and the world turns upside-down for a moment.

Daniel doesn't have time to react when Alex's lips find his own, and his heart is racing faster than his thoughts. It is not slow, it is not calm (in fact, Daniel has stopped breathing altogether in shock), and it is most definitely not peaceful because Daniel is probably actually shaking right now. He doesn't kiss back because he doesn't know how to, but Alex doesn't know that and still doesn't seem to mind.

His lips are warm, and Daniel is split between liking (no, loving) the feeling, and feeling utterly confused and hopeless because if he wants to be a boy, he can't be gay. But the upper hand takes control of him at the moment, and he forgets about the sinning part of it.

Daniel is breathless when Alexander eventually pulls back, breathing mildly. He looks at Daniel, and Daniel looks at him, and a moment pauses where Daniel stares at him. Then Alex rambles, "gosh, I'm s-sorry, Dan, I shouldn't have-"

"Do it again."

"What?"

"Do it again," Daniel repeats. And when Alex does, the world sparks up again, and everything seems right.

There's a knock on Daniel's front door. First of all, it's a weekend, and Daniel's parents are asleep. When he's confronted with the knock, sitting alone and reading at the kitchen table, Daniel flinches.

He's unsure if he should go ahead and answer it, a restricting feeling drawing him back, but then the door is rapped on again, louder this time. Almost demanding his attention. Daniel stands up and walks to the door, kind of upset, opening it.

When he sees Cody, he almost chokes on his saliva.

"H-how do you know where-"

"That's no way to greet me, princess." Cody looks distastefully at Daniel's house. "I.. asked around. We need to talk."

"About w-what?" Daniel wants to shrink back.

"Well, I was horny, and on Friday I tried to go up to that hot guy you hang out with and see if he'd come over to my place. Unfortunately, he denied my request, and let me tell you, Daniel, when a man is horny and wants to fuck and he gets rejected; let's just say I was in an unpleasant mood for the rest of the day." He pauses. "And, of course, you're the one who's supposed to make this work for me."

"What? I said no."

"Too bad, princess. You're the only person close to him, I want him, and so naturally I need your help."

"I'm not interested."

"But you will be." Cody grins. "Can I come inside?"

Daniel stares down at the calling card in his hand, re-reading it over again. Doctor Fritz. There's a phone number beside the name, but Daniel doesn't want to call it. It looks real. Of course it's real, though, because what kind of joke would this be?

Cody's words flow through Daniel's head. The bastard - he must be pretty freaking horny to go to these drastic measures.

"You want to be a guy, right? Your parents are Christian, right? Well, you and I both know they'll never pay for you to obtain a dick, and you'll probably never save up enough money to buy the pills yourself. There's this family friend of mine who happens to be a doctor, and if you can make sure that pretty boy gets into my pants. I might be able to talk him into... lowering the prices for whatever you'd like."

Originally, Daniel told Cody to go away, and he was left with a calling card for the doctor; then, it wasn't even an option. Of course Daniel wasn't going to give Alexander to some other cunt.

But now, sitting alone in his room, other ideas were beginning to intrude his head. What if Alex will like it more if Daniel actually is a boy? He said he doesn't care what gender Daniel actually is, but what if that's not entirely true?

Still, the mere idea of Cody and Alex doing something like that casts a flare of jealousy through Daniel's entire body. He can't. So he throws the card across his room, takes his journal and his pen, and focuses on something else.

But he taps his pen against the paper, and all it leaves are tiny black dots across the surface. He realizes he can't focus - soon, he realizes he can barely think. Daniel stops - it's happening again. Fuck.

The world is blurry with the sudden threat of spilling tears, and Daniel throws his notebook and pen collectively across his small room. In a raw attempt not to cry again, he lays down on his back and sucks in quick breaths, trying not to notice how difficult it is to breathe at the moment. He shuts off his mind and just lays there. Eventually the tears go away.

Daniel doesn't know how long he simply lays there, staring up at his ceiling. He isn't sleeping but he isn't awake, he's thinking simple, obvious thoughts that won't send tears spilling onto his bedsheets, he's in that grey area between black and white that's scarily neutral and hard to escape from.

He falls asleep like that.