forever | david dobrik ✓

11; hospitals and phone calls

when you first went to the hospital, your first few weeks were rough. i stopped posting for a few days a week because people knew i was going through something. and they didn't know what it was, but not many of them asked.

the few that did ask received some heavy replies, saying it was my business and i would explain when i was ready.

i was never ready. i hadn't made a video addressing your health stance until after everything happened.

i was never ready to say goodbye, and you made it very hard on the world to take you away.

you fought for so long, and you fought more than you could ever imagine but the sparkle faded. the red in your nose never came back, and your skin got much colder than it had ever been.

when we cuddled, you wrapped your arms inside of my shirt and tried to soak up and of my body heat you could.

i'm still not sure why i left that day. i don't know why i left or when i was supposed to be back. but when i left you had been okay. it was one of the good days.

but i got a call while i was waiting in line at a chipotle. i ran out of the building faster than an olympic runner.

pictures and videos of me sprinting out of the chipotle surfaced the internet hours after, but i hadn't seen them until days later.

i ran into the room and saw everyone gathered around your bed. heath was hunched over you, he took it the hardest after me. you two were always close.

when people noticed me they opened a small pathway to your bedside, and revealed your body.

your limbs were limp, and your lips were blue. your skin had started to lose color and your hands were popping with blue veins.

your eyes were shut and i hit my breaking point.

i slowly walked to your side and dropped tommy knees, holding one of your hands to my face and sobbed into your palm.

i was told that i stayed in that room for close to an hour crying. it's honestly somewhat blurry to me. i felt numb for weeks.

i posted a teary eyed very short video explaining that i would not be making videos for an uncertain amount of time.

days turned into weeks without me uploading. i wasn't in any of the others videos and i wasn't in any snapchats or posts.

i stopped going out. as unhealthy as that sounds.

the day i lost you was the day i lost myself.