It was the whimpering that woke her.
She turned on her side and rested a hand on Cullen's shoulder. His body spasmed. Tears squeezed out between his clamped eyes. "Maker, no."
Slipping from the bed, she gathered a lantern, sparking up the wick to give him light. She sat down at his side, brushing her fingers from his temple to his jaw in slow, steady motions. She had to wake him slowly—the hole he'd punched in the headboard was reminder enough that his nightmares carried violence.
"It's all right, Cullen," she whispered in his ear. "You're safe."
His body began to still and she pressed her lips against his forehead. Sweat clung to his skin and soaked the sheets.
"Wake up, my love." Her heart ached at the pain folded into the creases in his face. She kissed them all.
When she pulled away, his eyes were open. His hand came up and caressed her cheek. His eyes shimmered as though he were on the verge of crying.
"You're here." His voice cracked when he spoke.
"Of course I am." She smiled and took his hand, covering the palm in light kisses.
"I'm so sorry."
"There's nothing for you to be sorry about."
He sat up, a shaky hand running through his damp hair; his night sweats had exposed some of the natural curls he worked so hard to hide.
"You already have so much on your shoulders. I don't want to be another burden for you to carry."
With a soft shake of her head, she crawled into his lap and drew him close, trying to encompass of much of him as her arms could hold. He didn't always use the same words but the sentiment remained: I'm so sorry. I'm a burden. I don't want to worry you. You'd be better off without me.
"I've never considered you a burden, Cullen." His heart was still racing underneath her head. "I'm proud of you for seeing this through. Not many would have that same strength. I want to be here for you." She kissed up his jaw and down his neck and across his chest. His pulled her in closer. Maybe this time he would actually believe her.
His fingers brushed along her arm before drawing up a hand to kiss it. "I love you."
"I know."
He laughed under his breath and buried his face into her neck. She squeezed him close and ran her fingers through his curls. It was a shame he didn't like them.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked after a few moments.
"I..." His hands gripped her.
"You don't have to." He almost never exposed his inner demons, but sometimes, once in a very rare while, he let her in.
His answer came out in an anguished groan; "I was too late."
"For what?"
"For you." Cullen's hold tightened until her body was flush against his. She blinked at the urgency in his hands; he only held her like this on their most fevered nights together.
She rubbed along his shoulders and neck, trying to draw the tension from them. "Tell me."
"After Haven—" His voice cracked. "I carried you down that mountain. You were shivering in my arms, your lips and fingers blue from the cold; you were so cold I was afraid that you'd shatter like ice." His face drew up until his forehead rested against her own. "In the dream, you... you... Maker forgive me, I was too late."
Tears slipped down his cheeks when he closed his eyes.
"But you weren't, Cullen. You found me in time. You saved me."
"What if I hadn't? What if... Seeing you like that, I—I couldn't bare it. The thought of losing you—I can't." His hands shifted to cup her face; his thumb ran along the scar on her cheek. His eyes—red and puffed, but still golden—focused on her with such an intense longing that it made her very soul ache.
"And you won't," she promised. "You're not ever going to lose me, Cullen."
His lips hitched at the start of a smile. "How can you be so sure?"
"Mountains, darkspawn, demons, rifts, ancient magisters—I won't let any of it keep me from you. We're in this together now, you know. I'm afraid you're stuck with me."
Warmth entered his eyes for the first time that night as he smiled. Fingers moved slowly up her back, drifting along her neck before burying into her hair. He leaned in and kissed her, deep and thorough, his tongue sending chills down her spine. "I'm going to hold you to that promise."
"You'd better."
