The Difference Between You And Me {Petekey}

Chapter twelve

Gerard was finding it harder and harder not to slip into the depression that felt as if it were on the other side of the cliff he was teetering on. Every day he was reminded of how Mikey wasn't there and they were getting absolutely nowhere in their investigation.

He could tell Pete was feeling it, too. They both loved him, just in different ways. The search for him had been pretty nearly called off. There were a significantly small amount of people looking for him, and it was rare that the two of them would be called into the office to brainstorm. The company just couldn't keep losing money to this. Gerard tried not to get defensive about that. Not everybody was related to Mikey, not everyone knew him like Gerard did. To them, he was just as significant as any other Traveller, plus the fact that he was costing them a ton of money.

He wasn't the most respected person around the office, either. People didn't like the fact that he made such an expensive mistake, which, again, Gerard tried not to get offended about.

He tried painting again in an attempt to keep himself from bursting into tears whenever he let his mind wander into where-the-fuck-is-Mikey mode, to little avail. Everything he painted just reminded him of what was missing and what he needed. He could never sell any of them, either. They all felt too personal and too difficult to grasp if you weren't him. Pete would offer to take them, he thought they were all beautiful, but Gerard denied any and all of his compliments.

"It's hard to be the optimist sometimes," Pete confessed to him one night where they were both feeling so crushingly lonely that they had to get together and chat, just to be in the presence of someone who wasn't themselves.

"Then don't," Gerard sighed. He knew what Pete meant, though it had never occurred to him that Pete was the optimist and he, the pessimist. It made sense, though, with Pete's encouragement and Gerard's distressing statements.

"I have to, though. Not just for you, I don't mean to insinuate that you, like, need me or something-"

"I do, though, it's fine," Gerard interrupted Pete.

"But I need to be the optimist, too. I have to pretend to be all happy-go-lucky and shit or else the opposite'll just consume me," he mumbled. "As pretentious as that sounds," he laughed after a brief pause. Gerard nodded. "You know what I mean? I have to show myself that there is a bright side, even if I don't believe it."

"Do you need me to stop being so dark and depressing then?" Gerard asked. It wasn't an offer. Gerard would rather never talk to Pete again than have to suffocate on how much he missed his brother.

"No," Pete said wistfully. "No, I need to be aware of the reality, too. It just gets tiring, trying to search for hope sometimes. It feels like it's getting harder and harder to find it, which makes it feel like there's less and less of it there, if that makes any sense." Gerard nodded.

"Do you think he's gone forever?" Gerard asked, fighting back the tears in his eyes. Pete shook his head.

"Do you believe in destiny?" Pete said back.

"Not really," Gerard mumbled.

"Well, I kind of do. And if you can convince yourself that, like, he had a lot of unfinished business here, and it would be unfair for him to just... leave, then you can probably keep hanging onto that," Pete suggested, feeling himself tear up, too.

Gerard choked out a sob, letting his head lean into Pete's armpit. Luckily, Pete had better hygiene than Gerard, so it wasn't as unpleasant as his own. Pete ran his fingers through Gerard's hair comfortingly, letting a tear roll down his cheek.

"He just-" Gerard hiccuped, "He deserves to be happy and to be here with us and we deserve to have him here," he cried.

"I know," Pete agreed. "And he'll be here. We'll find him, I promise."