Now I'll Torture You

1

"As you all probably know, Janie Miller, a sophomore, killed herself last night..... and I know that all of our thoughts and prayers here at Washington High go out to the family of Janie..."

Every one of Principal Stewart's words felt like a stab wound to me as I sat there with hundreds of other sophomores in the school auditorium. 

Janie and I had been in school together since kindergarten.  We were best friends when we were little.  We would have sleepovers every weekend, play games together all the time, and study together when I needed help. 

I had always been jealous of Janie.  She had a loving mother and sister.  She was smart and funny and beautiful and amazing at the violin.  I could control my envy because I was so happy to have such an amazing girl as a best friend.  But everything changed in middle school.

"Hey Kelsey," Janie walked up to me on our first day of 6th grade.  I was standing with my new friends Megan and Donnie whom I had met over the summer.  They were cool and as I was hitting puberty, I was introduced to the world of popularity.

"You know this dork?" asked Donnie.

I looked at Janie and at Donnie.  I hung my head and exhaled.  I made eye contact with Janie.

"No"

Janie looked at me with a shocked expression on her face and tears in her eyes.  She nodded before looking down and whispering "I'm sorry".  Janie walked away and Megan and Donnie began to laugh and mock her.

I just stood there and said nothing.

And that was just the beginning. 

Later that night, I sent an email to Janie.

"I'm sorry," I typed.

"It's fine" she said.

I knew it wasn't.

But I decided that our friendship wasn't worth saving.  I felt that it was time for us to move on; find new friends.

And now as I sit here at her funeral, I regret that decision.  I regret a lot of decisions. 

During the remaining time in sixth and seventh grades, I just ignored Janie.  I blocked her from my email and Facebook.  At school, she would make attempts to talk to me and I would just walk past her to hang out with my more popular clique.

Eventually I saw her making a new friend group with Dee, an adorable short black girl with short curly hair and Dylan, a tall feminine boy.

Donnie, Megan, and I began making fun of them regularly.  It seemed as if our 8th grade year was solely dedicated to making Janie's life a living hell.

When we all graduated middle school, I figured the bullying would end and high school would be a fresh start.

I was wrong.