Where We Begin

Chapter 41 - We Went Through Hell Together

When dad went to jail, everything changed almost literally overnight. Sometimes it feels like a fresh start, but with my brother, it felt like a reset. We got our own rooms. I realized I hadn't truly been alone in years. After all the physical & mental battering, I embraced the hermit life for a while and shut everyone out. 

I am still dealing with the demons and I should've remembered that my brother... my little brother... might still be too. I should've done better.

Finally wide awake, I looked Buddy in the eye. "Listen, I get it. I still get nightmares at least a couple times a week. I was in the middle of one when you woke me up. It's always back in the old house. He's always coming for me, but he never gets to me. I'm terrified that someday he will."

"Yeah, me too." His voice cracked with his reply. "That's why I'm up. The best days are ones that I don't think about him, not even once, because I'm having too much fun. That's why I hate people asking about him and where he is. I don't know what to say, so I lie and act like it's a normal divorce or whatever. After thinking about everything, I almost always have bad dreams. I'd wish I could just forget it all instead."

We quietly sat on my bed for a couple minutes.

"Do you think we both had nightmares because dad came up at the Johansen's?" I asked him. 

"Probably," Buddy furrowed his brow. "So what the crap happened tonight anyway?"

"I don't know what I'd rather talk about less, this or dad."

"You would have told me everything back in Chicago," he countered.

I dropped my head into my hands. I would have. It was mind-boggling how much we drifted apart over the past few month here and how much things had changed for me. 

"I lied to mom and I stayed over at Taylor's. Her parents just figured it out."

"Yeah, we all gathered that, Einstein." Buddy rolled his eyes. 

I smacked him with my pillow. "Smart-ass. Who is 'we'? You and Kristen? I guess I don't need to tell you anything, since you figured it all out."

"Well, Kristen thought you guys were drinking and stuff. She said she saw her dad looking at the liquor cabinet extra hard the next day. But I told her you hate drinking." A wave of guilt came over me for the handful of times I had tried drinking, but that wasn't something to bring up and add to Buddy's plate right now. "But I remembered Jake brought you home, so now I think you guys had a party and maybe some of your friends drank and stuff, and then everyone had to sleep there because there was no safe driver."

Damn it, I thought. That probably would've been a way better story. 

"I'll tell you what happened," I started. "But you have to swear not to talk about this with mom or your friends or anyone. This is straight bro to bro talk. Sacred ground."

We reached in and pounded our knuckles. "Yeah, dude. Always"

I sighed. "There wasn't a party, it was just Taylor and me. All night, alone."

Buddy's eyes doubled in size. "Whoa. Whoa. Whoa."

I couldn't help it, I cracked up. As adolescent brothers in bunk beds, girls had been a common topic. A couple years ago, Buddy found some Playboys I had hidden in the closet (the first time I saw him make this face) and I ended up explaining the birds and the bees to him. I've had to go back and amend some of my original lesson though, as I was surprisingly not an expert yet. 

"Yeah, so whatever you think happened now, that's what mom and the Johansen's think. That's why Thanksgiving dinner basically turned into a dumpster fire."

He leaned in, as if the whole neighborhood could hear us. "Did it happen?"

I nodded. 

"Hoooooly crap." Buddy got up and began pacing next to the bed. "Dude. Are you joking? That's crazy. Wow."

I was still laughing. "Are you going to have a heart attack or something?" 

He stood still. "I don't know, I might die of shock. I'm still convinced you're blackmailing Taylor or something."

"What?!"

"Bro, you were, like, a weird loner. Now, suddenly, you're dating this mega rich, super babe," he explained.

"Wow, man, tell me how you really feel!" I lunged forward and grabbed his arm, pulling him back onto the bed and wrapping him in a headlock. "And don't call my girlfriend a babe. Get a life."

"You gotta tell me your secret!" Buddy's voice was muffled by my forearm. I let him go and he rolled away from me. Laying on his back, he turned his to look at me. "Seriously, how can I get hot chicks to hook up with me?"

"You're 13, relax," I said dismissively.

"C'mon, Busta. You went from 'I'm going to die a virgin' to doing it with a cheerleader."

I was actually getting a little pissed off by his attitude. "That wasn't the mission. Don't be that guy, Buddy. I know someone like that, who only cares about sex and popularity, and he's a total dick. He goes through friends like they are Kleenex. Concentrate on finding someone you really like, who makes you happy, and do everything you can to make them happy too."

He looked a little stunned. "That got heavy."

I shrugged. "It's true. I didn't have sex just to say I had sex. I really love Taylor, but other people make everything too complicated sometimes. Like, I know mom and the Johansen's will assume we are just being stupid, horny teenagers if they ever find out the truth, but we're not. We have something real."

"Uh, wow," Buddy said, still staring at the ceiling. "I mean, that's awesome. Sorry if I sounded like a jerk, because Taylor's really cool."

"It's fine. But see what I mean about calling her a babe? That could be your future sister-in-law, so watch your mouth," I joked. "The macho talk really doesn't interest most girls, by the way."

"Yeah, yeah. I was kidding. Trust me, I'm not a ladies man. I get sweaty palms just slow dancing with a girl."

"That's not the worst thing to get when you're dancing with a girl." We both laughed, relaxing again. 

"So... love, huh?" he asked. "What's that like?"

I thought about it for a moment. "Pretty much like having everything good about world and everything that makes you happy combined into one person."

Buddy smiled. "Sounds like the opposite of... you know, the bad dreams."

"Pretty much. You'll know someday."

He sat up. "I'm going back to bed. Thanks for hanging out."

"Remember." I extended my fist.

He tapped his knuckles against mine. "Secret's safe with me."

Buddy left, but he seemed as sullen as when he first woke me up. It hit me that another brother-to-brother moment kind of ended up being about me and Taylor. 

I got back under the covers and tried to go back to sleep, but there was too much to think about. Buddy and how I was being a lame older brother. Taylor, her parents, and if she was OK after we left tonight. And, of course, my dad. 

I watched the sky turn from black to purple to pink as I entertained all the guests in my head. I had my own room now, but sometimes I thought I was never going to be left alone.