blue ✓

thirty

***

I fiddled with the ends of my suit nervously, the white undershirt peeking through my black jacket and rising each time I raised my hands to my face. I adjust the tie as I stand to my feet, the reverend standing above the stairs clears his throat, then recites a verse from the Bible as sobs echo against his voice.

I couldn't endure watching him, lowering my head to stare at my shoes instead. His voice was clear, collected, not at all like the trembling voice of a grieving mother who stood next to him with a shaking hand clenching a handkerchief.

My heart lurches when I finally bring my gaze back up, familiar brown eyes stare back at me and for a moment I think Sean has climbed from that casket and surprised us all–wishful thinking beckons inside me as Luke sheds another tear down his red cheeks.

Speech after speech, it all felt like a really horrible nightmare that I couldn't escape. The church smelled of tears and grief, the seats cold against the material of my suit and the light inside these burgundy walls was dimmed against a cloudy day outside. 

But eventually that sun moved across the sky and it was time. And then as I stood to my feet, feeling my bones shake with the exhale of my lungs, I realized this wasn't a dream.

"Sean's best friend Harry has prepared a few words," The priest speaks. "Along with a lovely tribute, he wishes to share with you all."

My heart thuds loudly, eyes wide as tears threaten to surface again. I turn to my right and see Gemma smile at me with wisdom, a gentle hand nudging me on the arm in an attempt to wake me up from this dream I had spiraled into.

I nod to her as she smiles, and begin my walk of terror from the aisle and up to where my dead friend laid still inside that casket. My heart was loud, my ribcage aching with the shake in my bones with each step until finally, I stood in front of everyone.

"The day I lost my best friend," I clear my throat as the husk in my voice breaks. "I didn't quite know how to deal with it, I kept remembering him as a six-year-old who was always covered in dirt and called me pine tree because he was so much shorter than me." In that moment, when I noticed a grieving mother cock a smile and a lost brother's eyes glimmer with memories I realized that celebrating life was more worth it than saying goodbye to it.

I clear my throat once again and stare at my best friend one last time inside that casket. "The day I lost my best friend, I wanted to make sure the wonderful life he lived would be immortal," I shake in my skin as I step back, grabbing the sheet covered canvas with an ache in my heart. Tears fall down my cheeks as I sniffle, I place the canvas against the casket and close my eyes briefly to absorb the atmosphere around me before revealing the painting.

I stare out at the crowded church as I step back to the microphone to speak, my friends all smiled and the family of a lost soul cried with a certain knowing as they stared at the immortal piece of Sean's soul inside the painting I created. His smile was crooked and wonderful with the brown inside his eyes, alongside the glowing sweat and dirt against his tanned skin.

It was how I wanted to remember him.

"This is the boy we will always remember," I croak those last few words as tears spill from my stinging eyes. "Goodbye friend."

***

"Do you think he would be mad we didn't go to the cemetery?" Sierra's voice was hoarse, her blue eyes bloodshot as cigarette smoke spirals around her.

"Nah," Ethan interjects. "He'd wanna be here with us, smoking and sharing around a flask of whiskey."

"Yeah." Richard smiles.

I settle against the park bench we all gathered around, a vanilla scented girl on my knee as I take a long sip from the iron flask Sean always seemed to carry around. The whiskey burned with the memories inside my mind, rolling down my throat like a bitter taste against this cold day.

I hated that I was too scared to follow the rest of the family, to watch my best friend be buried.

But as my friends and I sat around the park bench that was still engraved with Sean's initials from five years ago, I remembered we were supposed to be celebrating a life well lived. Although cut short from stupidity and bad intentions, I knew he lived with the fullest heart inside his soul and I had to remember that instead of letting this anger and grief take over me.

Sean would want us to be happy, to live life.

Lola stirs, turning to look at me with those blue eyes bright against the gray world. I hold her hand and watch her breath slowly, her warmth against my skin and her breath inside my lungs. She was the perfect blue soul that brought light inside the darkness within me.

Sean's voice echoes inside my mind, that mischievous tone that always laced with a intent of watching out for your wellbeing.

"Seems like more than a crush Styles, I think you're in love."

And as I watch Lola's lips curve into a beautiful smile I realize the real reason I obsessed over her all these years.

"I love you, Lola."

***

authors note;

I am so sorry this update took so long, I have had some major issues going on in my life and it has stopped me from doing much, including writing. But I am back and ready to write again!

I hope you guys liked this chapter, even though it was really sad.

Thank you so much for everything, I adore you all.

-A