Imperfectly Perfect

Chapter 6: Warmth

I shuffled in my bed, tangling myself deeper into the sheets. Desperately trying to get back to my dream land. To the one world that can take my breath away in an instant. Even though I have the same repetitive dream nightly, I always have a part of me that can't wait for the day to end so I can return. It's become one of the highlights of my day. Seeing the bright pink of the surrounding flowers and the slightly distorted figure had become a second home for my mind. I find myself constantly throughout the day thinking about the mysterious entity that roams my dreams. 

All I knew so far was that it had charcoal hair, and super tiny hands that fit perfectly within mine. The face still being contorted from my vision. Still unable to see the face of the being that I spend most of my time with. I even sometimes find myself trying to force a nap just to get a glimpse of it's shadow, but to no avail. Due to our never ending schedule, I don't see me having a nap anytime soon. Though I'm determined to return to the figure, I have enough clouding my mind when I'm fully awake. Jimin. Ever since we made up, we've gotten...a lot closer. I still bring up my superior height and tease him, but it feels...different. 

Before I felt nothing from the fact Jimin would smile at me from time to time. Or compliment me before a concert. Or even when he bought me gifts. Of course I felt gratitude, but nothing more. Now...every time he's even near me, I feel warmth. My mood exceeds and I feel the urge to run a marathon. I have no idea where the sudden reactions have come from, but...I don't hate it.

 I think that's what scares me. I hate to admit that, I look forward to that feeling, to seeing him, but it feels like there's a wall between us. Like an unsaid boundary that neither of us are brave enough to cross, and to be honest. I hate that. I want to venture past that line...and explore what I'm too scared to admit..but I can't. I'm a coward. I have been since high school...but all I feel is regret every time I don't try. I don't want to feel this... I've never felt this way before. Jimin of all people...is the only one who makes me feel this way. It's so strange, even terrifying at times, but at the same time. A part of me wouldn't trade it for the world.

I know what Rapmon would say if I told him, so I've avoided the subject of Jimin around him. I don't need to be more confused than I already am. Ughh, here we go again. Stuck with no sleep thinking about...I don't want to say it. If I do...it'll be real and I don't know if I can accept that just yet. It's not that I hate it but..I don't know...I need to think. Trying to clear my mind I decide to take a walk and see if I can come up with a solution. I climb down my shared bunk bed with Namjoon, hearing his overbearing snores as I slip on a hoodie and grab my phone, soon exiting our shared room. As soon as I close the door, I hear a clink in the kitchen. 

Great. Someone's up. The only way to get to the front door is to walk through the kitchen. Of course our dorm has to be designed to screw me over. Now I'm gonna have to find a reasonable excuse as to why I'm going on a walk at two in the morning. Hopefully whoever it is, is still half asleep and miss me as I pass by. Collecting my thoughts, I attempt to basically tip toe into the kitchen. Before I make it three feet I hear a snicker coming from, what I'm guessing is someone at the table. I turn and see...the one person I hoped not to see..Jimin.

I froze. Everything in my being felt numb. The one person who had to be up at the exact same time as me. The one person I wanted to avoid. He confuses me and makes me a smiling fool all at the same time. I turn and can't help but look at him with a confused look. He's sitting at the table, but something's off. His face is the same. His eye smile apparent.

. His clothes are just a black shirt and  baggy sweatpants, which is what he usually wears to bed, so why does he look so different? Then, I finally noticed it. His hair was darker...WAY darker. His once tangerine orange hair was, jet black. It had the same style, same length..but the color was unmistakable. I had seen it so often I saw it every time I closed my eyes. The same texture. The same wave to it. There was no doubt about it

That was the figure's hair. I felt my heart stop as I suddenly forgot to breathe. How can this be? It has to be a coincidence. Every part of my body refused to move. I knew there was no possible way it couldn't be the figure's hair....but I couldn't process that Jimin...was my dream. He was my night and day. He was unknowingly the main thing on my mind. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. I shouldn't think too hard, but I still can't move. My mind is clouded. I feel restricted. I need space. Now. I avoid Jimin's eyes as I sprint to the door. My heart is racing. I can't feel this. It's not right.

It's not fair. What did I do wrong? I've stayed diligent in my job as an idol, I help others and care for my Hyungs. What did I do to deserve this? To feel this way for someone who trusts me. For someone who sees me as a younger brother. He'll feel betrayed. He'll hate me if he ever finds out. I can't face him. He'll never wanna talk to me again. He'll think I'm disgusting. As I reached for the handle I felt a strong grip on my arm. The next thing I knew I was pulled to face forward as another hand held the door closed.

I looked down knowing he had caught me. Using my own momentum to his advantage. I felt his stare boring into me as I kept my gaze to the floor. I can't face him. Jimin will hate me, He'll despise everything about me. I'll never get to hear his beautiful laugh around me again. I won't get to see his beautiful eye smile that he always directs at me when I make him shy. I'll never get to tease him about his height and how I'm inferior.

I'll lose everything. I'll lose my happiest moments within an instant all thanks to this stupid...I don't wanna say it, because then it'll really be over. I can't face that. I don't want to face that, but Jimin doesn't seem to be moving anytime soon. Why now? Of all times I have to loose him now? I can't stand the thought of him avoiding me or glaring at me every chance he gets. Or even laughing at what this is. I don't want to lose him...I can't lose him. 

I hear Jimin sigh as I try to control my own breathing. "Kookie, what's wrong?" Everything. All the times we shared. All the iconic jokes we share. The moments you confided in me and the times I would confide in you. Our pre performance ritual of encouraging each other to do well. The times I've come to you crying and you instantly making it all better. Even the first time we met. The first time someone didn't see me as pathetic. It'll all be gone. Forever.

I felt the tears I had been trying to repress for the past ten minutes finally falling. My knees became weak as I fell to the ground and gave up. It's over. All that I've held onto is gone once I admit this. Once I admit the truth. The truth I've been trying to deny since the first moment Namjoon even mentioned it...

Jimin....I like you...